Another Case Against Marriage

   I meant to blog about this a while ago. Before that whole drama happened with the pills, Carmen was talking about taking me to this reggae spot and Terrell was all excited at the possibility of having me tipsy and windin up on him. SMDH. We were going to go on a Friday but I had to switch my plans up to save my vacay hours for the trips I have coming up. So the following Thursday, Carmen calls Terrell to see if he can lend her $20. He said he was broke. So tell me why he comes up to the job- fresh haircut, fresh outfit, and- the icing on the cake- a rented Dodge Challenger. Carmen and I are looking at each other like- WTF?

   Carmen asks him, "Whatchu got the car for?" He replies, "Just wanted to get it." Carmen says, "Oh, now I see why you ain't got 20 dollars to give me." He answers, "My wife got the car for me." Upon further conversation, I deducted that he got the car so we all can have something nice to roll up in when we go to the car. Let that be read as: he got the car to show off. Chile PUHLEEZE! Not impressed!

   How in the world you get your WIFE to pay for a rental car that you're using to pull OTHER CHICKS? Where they do that at?! Apparently, Charlotte. LOL. If this guy isn't a straight up dawg....

Loves and Likes Ya!

Umm Chelle...

Shay: What are you listening to?
Me: You don't know nothin bout this girl.
Shay: Clearly not.
Me: Wait for it....
(Bass Drops)
Shay: Aww shit now!



Doing that final stretch of the drive home, I needed something to keep me up. I turned to 3OH!3- one of my guilty pleasure albums. I love them because they're like the love child of Lil Jon and Fred Durst. Shay called to see how far along I was from home and how I was doing when she heard the beginnings of the song. Of course she wanted to know who in the sam hill I was listening to and I knew she would fall in love with it once the bass dropped- and I was right! lol. It does knock quite nicely in the car.
**This is just a fan made video by the way**

Loves and Likes Ya

Thelma and Louise Strikes Again!

Playing on the car stereo: I'm a tiger in the bedroom ask your baby boo

Shara: I can't really see Gucci being ANYBODY'S tiger in ANYBODY'S bedroom.
Me: Get out of my head! I was JUST thinking the same thing!
Shara: I wonder what kind of animal WOULD he be?
Me: Probably Smokey the Bear.
Shara: Who's Smokey the Beal?
Me: You know, only you can prevent forest fires.

Ice Cold

Busted!

Todd: Uh-oh, what's wrong Lala?
Me: Nothing, just here.
Todd: I know what's up. You got a midnight LOVA! (me thinking to myself: WHAA??? Who did I tell?) I know you get off of work, hop in that white dodge *****, thinkin' to yourself, "Shooot, I'm finna get me some. I'mma find me somethin to do in this boring ass city" (insert my silent giggle here) Be creepin home 4:45 in the morning (more like 5:13, but hey close enough) I know you La. You got one persona you use for church and work, but then you got your other persona, that's why I call you Lala from around the way.
Me: I have no idea what you're talkin about
Todd (giving me the nigga please look):Umm-Hmm. Just remember to get your rest before you come into work. (walks away laughing to himself)

So I Was Thinking...

   Are you one of those women who think their vagina is special? No, really. Do you think that your Ms. Kitty is so good that you have your man in check? I've never been that girl. Probably because I always felt like I could be replaced anyway. We won't dive into my issues but insight to my mother's past has made me into the bitter young woman I am today.
   Now I remember- I was reading a book (She Ain't The One by my two fave authors- Carl Weber and Mary B Morrison) in which the main character puts up with this chick who thought her sex was the bomb. She was mistaken. And that made me wonder how many times has that happened? How many times have you (whether you're a girl or guy) thought you had the best sex in your life? I'm talking about afterwards you're all sweaty, joints a little achy, breathing is kinda shallow, and you're slowly slipping into a comatose state but it's okay because you just KNOW that you Put.It.Down. But what if your partner disagrees? What if they think there was nothing spectacular about the episode? How would you feel?
   Yes there is a difference between making love and having sex. Sex is such a selfish act. You're doing what makes you feel good. Doing whatever helps you achieve euphoria. Now I know that there are some people who are selfless lovers, they get a rush from having their partners climb walls and break beds. What if it was a show?
   I'm asking these questions because they've been on my mind. Like I wrote earlier- I've never been the one to brag about my sexual prowess just because- people lie. I mean, giving oral sex is my gift to my partner but when it comes down to actual vaginal intercourse- I concentrate on my personal satisfaction.  Have I had a partner who thought they dicked me down to the point of paralysis when it was far from the truth? Yes. Fortunately I can count on one hand how many times that has happened. Well come to think of it, that was only D's crazy ass always with a damn point to prove. SMH. Anywho, just thinking, I know it's random.

Drake- Brand New. Perfect Song for the post. I even picked the video version with the lyrics flashing across the screen so you can have clarification! Yes, you are welcome. lol
 

Loves and Likes Ya=> hope the feeling is reciprocated

Night of Quotables

   Tonight was best described as the most hilarious and disfunctional game night I've had in a while. Carmen, David, Jamie, and I played the new edition Monopoly with the electronic banker. FUN. I'll just do some highlights:

Jamie (picking up the boomerang piece): What the f*ck is this? A big dick? F*ck it- call me Big Dick PLAYAAAA!

Carmen (pointing to a tattoo on her upper arm): This is my ex fiancee. He passed away. I farted in his mouth

David: My motto is- In my world, the girl comes 3 or 4 times before I do.
Jamie: Well my motto is- if I can't knock the bottom, I'll bang the hell out of the sides

Jamie: I got it all planned out. I'm going to be fresh out the shower with water running from my chest pubes to my ball fro and she's gonna grab me by the weiner...because she wants me

   Gosh, I know there's more but I just can't remember. I'm a bit distracted, I had some Boone's Farm and Will is calling me now. SMH. I get a text from David- trying to get me to come back over there. Then Will texts me wanting to know what I'm doing and Steve texts me asking the same damn thing. I'm blogging this shit then I'm going to bed while watching King of the Hill. SHIT. I'm good for the night. I'm not replying or answering SHIT.

Loves and Likes Ya!

Something For Your Ears

I've been vibing with some songs lately. Let's start with:

Big Boi ft George Clinton & Too Short- For Yo Sorrows. Can I confess and say that I haven't even listened to the verses like that but the chorus is sooo sick! "...As I sit back in my chair, and smile from ear to ear with a fistful of your girlfriend's hair, yes she'll blow one tonight, for your sorrows."


Next is Ms. Teairra Mari. You couldn't tell me that she wasn't gonna kill it. So how did Rihannia get to this status while Ms. Mari is left on the curb? Dunno, but this mixtape is hot and this is one of my fave frivolous tracks. Teairra Mari ft Movado: Coins


Next on the club tip is Shanell from Young Money. Her stuff makes you want to dance and her mixtape is fire as well. Here goes Work Dat ft Mika Means! FYI: Please know that I am pouting because my top choice for this album, Me N My ft Eve, is nowhere to be found on YouTube so I can't share :(


Hey. Do you remember Jin? Won 106 & Park's Freestyle Friday a couple of years ago? Asian dude? Didn't think you'd remember. Well he released a mixtape that was pretty damn decent. Here goes a good one. Hard.


And while we're on rappers with different ethnicities, let's go to my fave group The Otherside. Fave tracks: (3)Let Me Show You, (6)Good Lookin' Ugly Girl and (7) the OOHLA=>This track is a beast. So poetic with it as he describes the song as if it's a lover. Niiiiice!



If you enjoy Dwele and Musiq and Jill, you will enjoy my boy Eric Roberson. Indie artist with a biiiiiig following. He wrote one of my fave Musiq tracks called Previouscats. This song, Only For You, is so sweet. It makes me smile everytime I listen to it.

 
And for the final one. Let's cross some genres. Plasticines- B.I.T.C.H. Song is TKA- Totally Kick Ass! lol

 
Loves and Likes Ya!

Sorry. I know I said it was the last one, but after mentioning this song, I HAD to post it! Musiq Soulchild- Previouscats. LISTEN to this song. It's on some serious grown man sh*t and I know plenty of people who can relate. Roberson lyrics are genius and hear him doing the background vocals. HEEEEY! Okay. I'm gone for real this time. ♥

Umm, Excuse Me? Are We Hating?!

   I've been trying to get my overtime hours like CRAZY! It seems as if the planets are aligning. After looking at apartment after apartment after apartment, Shara and I found a community that we both really really like and the price is looking right. Shara just got a dream job with this major health care system and me? Well, no new jobs for me but maybe a job possibility. Trina just accepted a position at her college, if all goes well with her training, she's going to quit. Shay will be bumped up to housekeeping manager and I will be assistant. Trina thinks it will be a good idea. Shay doesn't. I wasn't expecting that at all. I thought she would've been like, "Yeah gurl, C'mon to tha back of da house!"
   Talking with Trina, I found out that Shay has been on some other stuff as of late.Trina is housekeeping manager and Shay and Anjail are her assistants. Anjail is fully involved with her school schedule and can't commit to the job as much as she could during the summer. I remembered Shay saying something to me a couple of months ago about why Anjail can't come to the job during breaks in her schedule like Trina did. I had to explain it to her as nicely as possible (because she's on the sensitive side. She'll dish it, but can't take it) 1st: Trina is a manager, this is her career. That means she will have to make certain sacrifices. Anjail doesn't want to be in the hospitality industry. Chick is tryna be a doctor. Why stress over the unnecessary? 2nd: Trina's school is only 15 minutes away. Anjail's school is a good 25 mins away- and that's on a good day. Who will waste gas and bust ass for an hour break? Makes no sense!
   So anyway- like I was saying- Trina and I were talking, and she was telling me about Shay's complaining about Anjail. Trina told her to stop it. Then Shay was upset because Anjail went to DC with some of her old college roomates and didn't invite her. She was upset because she felt as if Anjail thought that she's not "educated" or "refined" enough to be around her college friends. NEWS FLASH: She didn't invite me EITHER! My feelings weren't hurt. Anjail hasn't seen her friends in a while and wanted to do something before the semester started. What we look like busting up in their reunion? Chile BOO!
   But again, Shay has always been sensitive like that. When I started going out with Carmen, she was upset that I didn't invite her. Carmen and Shay are cordial to one another- but that's about it. Why would I make the situation uncomfortable for the both of them? I thought she was kidding or something at first but she was SERIOUSLY mad about it! Let's see if this makes sense: 1st: Carmen and Shay don't get along like that. 2nd: They wouldn't be able to be themselves and have fun. 3rd: Shay has to be at work like 6 and 7 in the morning. 4th: She needs a babysitter for her baby. Me and Carmen don't really plan our happenings. It's more like: Me: I can go for a drink, you down? Carmen: Yeah girl. Let me wash my ass first though.
   But where is the love?  Going back to the subject of why black women can't be friends. One of the reasons, jealousy. It's ugly y'all! Shay may just be going through some things now or something. I'm sure everything will be okay once she's okay.

Loves and Like Ya!=> but don't you dare try to bring me down.

While At Work

Carmen: Don't nobody wanna be here. If I can find a way to sell some ass, I'd do it.

Celebration and A Tragedy Pt III

     Carmen left work early, planning on packing up the rest of her stuff so by the time I got off, we can just pack up my car and take her to Joyce. Once I got off, I went home to change and swung by Carmen's where she was sitting outside with Joyce and Terrell. All three of them drinking beers and smoking ciggies and talking shit. You really have no choice but to talk shit with Terrell because the words that come out of his mouth is pure ignorance. Like he's impressing me- ChileBOO! Carmen's like, "She ain't thinkin bout chu boy. She too good for you anyways." That kinda hurt his feelings, but he's a big boy. So Carmen and Terrell are arguing because Bruchon is Terrell's buddy as well and he can't wanna believe that his boy is changing postions.

"It's one thing if it was just assumptions but why is my jar of vaseline open? And why does it have a big ol hole in it from someone digging the hell out of it?" Mmhmm. Case Closed.

     We drop the things off at Joyce and Carmen doesn't want to sit around depressed to we go to WW where we meet this character of a man who keeps us in stitches the whole night. He's reading people right to left and clowning people left to right. I'm not sure when it was that I noticed Carmen was drunk (I promise that I only had 2 drinks myself and had juice the rest of the night) but she was. And Terrell was finally talking sense when he pulled me to the side and said, "Babygirl being drunk and feeling depressed ain't good at all. She doesn't need to be by herself." We went on ahead and bounced her out of there. She was begging to go back to her place but none of us wanted her to be alone. Especially since she said something about ending the pain.
     Terrell got his car from Joyce's and I tried to get Carmen out of the car but she wasn't budging. I told her she was either gonna be at Joyce's or she was gonna be at my house. She HATED the idea of going to my house because she didn't want my parents to see her like this. I told her I can careless what she WANTED to do because she didn't NEED to be by herself. Then she said she didn't want to stay at Joyce's because she has rats. Rats? Joyce's place is spic and flippin span. I just chalked that up to her being drunk and making excuses. Finally I suggested she go to her place but have somebody spend the night. Since she had a court date in the morning that Joyce was going to accompany her, I made the call and asked Joyce if she wanted to stay at Carmen's. She basically said no. Her exact words were, "Well, Chelle, I don't feel like leaving my house right now. Carmen will be okay. She just needs to..."and I blocked out the rest of her simple ass response. The chick lives WALKING DISTANCE from Carmen. I knew she wasn't THAT damn comfortable yet. I knew what I had to do so I got her up off the phone and told Carmen I'll be right back. I live 5 minutes aways from her so I was just gonna go home, grab some clothes and a toothbrush, then go get some food since I was hungry. It didn't work out like that once Joyce called me.

"Uh, Chelle, Carmen, uh, she just called me and uh told me that she uh took 15 Benedryl."
"WHAT?!"
"I asked uh, I asked if she was sure and uh, she said uh she said she took the rest of the uh bottle. Where are you? You think you can check on her?"

    I promise I wanted to reach through that phone and smack her. It took her entirely too long to tell me what happened and once she did tell me what happened, she kept repeating it. I think I hung up on her. I was very upset. First: because I ignored my gut feeling. I should've NEVER left her alone. But I did, because I can empathize. We've all been in situations where it's good to be with friends but sometimes you just want to cry in the dark by yourself while listening to the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack -whoops, personal experience, lol - so I figured that me getting my stuff and getting something to eat will give her enough personal time before I invaded her place. And she promised me not to do anything stupid. Second: she has no family down here. Hardly no friends. Me, Joyce, and Terrell. And see how that worked out? Joyce is too comfortable at home to check on her "best friend"? If this wasn't the saddest thing... I was in tears. Because nobody deserves anything like that. I got there and she was walking around. We went outside where she lit a cigarette and I asked her what the hell was on her mind. She doesn't like to depend on anybody. She hates him for doing this to her. She hates him for lying to her. She might as well die because she has nothing to live for. I told her that she needs to stop talking crazy and that GOD didn't cure her from her cancer just so she can throw her life away. Then I tried to get her in my car so we can go to the ER but she wasn't having it. I called her mom and let her try to talk some sense into Carmen. I don't think that was the best idea, because I heard the mom call Carmen 'loca' and 'estupida' repeatedly. I took the phone and promised to call the mom if anything happens. By the time I got off with the mom, Carmen was back inside and she was laying on the bed. I called the paramedics and got her in the hospital. A couple of hours later, she's fine. Yeah- I freaked out- but I'm the first to admit that in a crisis, you gonna have to give me a minute to get my thoughts together.

Loves and Likes Ya=> Really. I do.

Celebration and a Tragedy Pt II

     Still riding high from my FABULOUS Tuesday night, Wednesday came and went. Thursday started off better as I got my lazy bones up early and handled a lot of business before my shift. I picked Carmen up and was chattering away, not even noticing her one word responses. It wasn't until she wearily asked, "Chelle, if I tell you something, can you promise not to tell?" that I realized something was wrong. I was about to give her the, "Now YOU KNOW" look but one quick glance at her red eyes and I hurried up and parked the car in a parking lot.
   "What is it?" I asked, as the worst automatically came across my mind. But I know she didn't have her checkup yet, so the possibility of the news being cancer was small. "Did something happen to your mom? Is it Bruchon?"
   "Yes girl." And as she told me the events, I couldn't possibly have guessed it in a million years. The story seemed to have come out of the latest Zane book I read (The Hot Box. GREAT read by the way) and I handed her plenty of tissues as she poured out her disbelief.
     In short: Carmen told her boyfriend the night before that she was gonna stay at the job since she did breakfast and has to turn around and do the sundowner later. She decided to come on home anyway since the beds weren't that comfortable for her. When she got to her apartment building, she noticed a strange car parked in front of her door. She knocked on the door as she looked for her keys but no one answered. She finally found her keys and walked inside to find Bruchon sitting on the couch .
   "You ain't hear me knock?" She asked him. He had a dumb look on his face as he shook his head no. She asked what he was doing and he said nothing. She went to the bedroom and he followed her, she noticed the bathroom door was closed. She walked around to the other entrance of the bathroom, with Bruchon still on her heels. She tried to open the door but someone was holding the doorknob from the other side.
   "Who the fuck is in the bathroom?" She asked as she tried to get in. "Nobody" Bruchon responded, watching her get upset. She finally got the door open and what did she see? A man dressed only in boxers. She looked from one man to another and wheels began to turn in her head, taking in the wet shower curtain, the open jar of Vaseline on the counter, and both men in boxers. "What the fuck is goin on?" She asked, looking at the other guy putting on his clothes. "Nothin man. He was sick." Bruchon answered. "No nigga, YOU sick. I can't believe you a fuckin faggot! 7 fuckin years and you wanna be a fuckin fag!?" And that's when all hell broke loose. Bruchon flew out the door with his pants in his hands, diving into the guy's car. Carmen got a couple of licks in on the other guy before he left.

     "I'm gonna be okay though Chelle. It just hurts. We've been together for 8 years. We've been down here together for 7. We all we got down here and he does this shit? We're not just boyfriend, girlfriend, we're best friends. It makes me wonder if he was always like this. You know what I'm thinkin now? I wonder if the first time he cheated on me, if it was with another man. Huh. A fuckin faggot. I packed all my stuff up though. I'm gonna live with Joyce. I can't be in the same house with him. I gotta a good check comin up. If I work some more hours, the check after that should be good and I can have my own place in a month."
    
     And just like that, I thought she was good to go. I mean- not TOTALLY good to go, because that is a traumatic experience- but she seemed to be a woman with a plan and that's good right? Or so I would've thought.

I Can't Believe You Work Next Door

     After work Tuesday night, I was gonna drop by the grocery store and buy a bottle of moscato to drink while watching The Golden Girls. (don't laugh, that show is the business) The closer I got to the store though, the more pathetic the idea seemed. Then I remembered that Royal Flush shots were on special at the WW so I swung by. The bar was kinda crowded but I found a seat next to this white guy. All I saw was a head of thick black hair. He spun around and HOT DAMN- if it wasn't a guest from the hotel. I shook my head and said aloud, "Dammit! I just can't leave my work at WORK!" He gave me a flirtatious grin and said- "Well, what're the odds?" Don't worry, you guys aren't missing any back story. He was just one of many guests who I exchanged inappropriate remarks with. So we did some small talk and I found out that he's not actually at my hotel this go-round but he crashed our Sundowner anyway. Sitting beside him was the front desk clerk from the hotel beside mine. I knew he looked vaguely familiar and he confirmed my suspicions when he reminded me that I went over there a couple of weeks ago to ask for change. He's a cutie, but I guess since he's like RIDICULOUSLY clap on/clap off bright, he didn't register in my memory bank. It was a good night as we chatted and drank and drank and chatted. The whole time Will, from the hotel next door, kept saying- "You're cool as shit. I can't believe you work next door." Like there was some doubt that I'm cool? Pssshaaaaw.
     Somehow, I wound up giving him a ride home and...he wound up giving ME a ride home! LMAO. It really isn't funny. I'm such a flippin slut, it's ridiculous. But I tell ya what- that was some Grade A+++. And the funny part was as he worked his stroke game- he kept saying, "I can't believe you work next door."

Loves and Likes Ya=> especially if you work next door, lmfao!

The Day After...

Me: U kno what I was thinkn? & i kno its hella random, but i wonder if we did karaoke to bia bia, would the crowd have gotten hype?
Shara: Yeah, that is random. Im not even gonna ask what made u think that. but i dunno, they mightve rocked wit it a lil

Celebration and A Tragedy PT I

     Carmen celebrated her last day of radiation therapy Thursday before last with a shindig at The Sandtrap. She did it up with a long jet black wig, silver lipstick to match her silver shirt and shoes, and a mole colored on the upper left side of her lip. Me, Shara, David, Jamie, Dre, and Carmen's man Bruchon were all there helping her celebrate with rounds of Apple Pie shots and playing pool and darts. After 2 shots of Apple Pie and 3 shots of Pixie Stixx, I summoned up enough courage to do karaoke to Naughty Girl by Beyonce and dedicate the performance to Carmen. We all had fun. Shara and I with our seemingly never ending game of pool (since neither one of us can be qualified as pool sharks, we were ridiculousy taunted by the others saying, "is this STILL the same game?") Carmen, Dre, David and Jamie were playing darts, and Bruchon stayed mute while watching the game on the big screen.
     We took the festivities outside and tried to play cornhole. That game is SOOO not the business. But I know I'm biased since I can't play the game worth-a-shit. We went back inside to dance to some of the music from the funky fresh DJ and encourage the other people doing karaoke. I went back up to the stage for round 2, dragging Shara with me so she can accompany. I told the overweight, bald, biker looking, white guy that I wanted to sing Fergalicious. He rolls his eyes and say, "OmiGOD!" "What?" I ask him, thinking that he was making fun of my selection. "That's only my most FAVORITE song!" He exclaimed. I still thought he was making fun of me, until the beat came on and he transformed into Will.I.Am.  TOO. FUNNY. He was rocking it y'all! We all danced, and danced, and DANCED! I woke up the next morning, thighs feeling stronger than a mug- heels are so not the business. I say the funniest part of the night was when Carmen was backing it up on Jamie. Somehow Jamie lost his balance, going down to the ground with Carmen following. Do you know this chick had a beer bottle in each hand and didn't spill a single sip as she proceeded to fall on her ass. ONE BEER BOTTLE IN EACH HAND and she DID NOT spill a SINGLE SIP! We had a great time for sure. I would've never guessed that the very next week, we would be crying instead of dancing...

Hey Carmen,

Me:...You ever had sex with a white man before?
Carmen: Yeah. Can't do it no more.
Me: Why? How was it?
Carmen: It was alright. They have small ding dongs though.
Me: What?
Carmen: You like Vienna sausages?

LMAOOOOOOOOO. Boy Carmen has a way with words.

Loves and Likes Ya

YAY! My Baby Is Back!

After all the virus hoopla, my poor Dell just wasn't performing the same. Yeah, she went through the motions, but her performance was lagging and little by little- she broke down on me. It got to the point when I just tossed it on the bed in front of my dad and said, "Please fix this before I BREAK this." A whole 2 weeks later (yeah my dad be on that CP time with fixing my stuff. I don't care all that much though since if I was anyone else, I'd have to pay out the ass for this kind of service.) she's back! Updated with Windows 7 and purring like a kitten with a tummy full of milk. New posts coming this weekend.

Loves and Likes Ya=> just like I LOVES and LIKES my new & improved Dell!

SMH

You know what? Reading some of my past posts? LMFAO! Helps me realize just how CRAZY I am! I mean, I now understand why some most of my friends say that I have no sense. Because I don't! And moving on...

So, it's a Thursday night and I'm back at the ol' watering hole. Feeling good off a vodka/cranberry/orange juice and one malibu and coke. From across the bar a guy winks at me and motions to buy me a drink. I nod my head yes (because who in their right mind will turn down a free drink?) and he makes his way to the empty seat beside me. Sitting down, he introduces himself to me as Steve, and shakes my hand. I tell him my real name (lol) and we talk some.

Steve: So is your boyfriend a big man?
Me: Yeah. He's 7'4" and 400 lbs.
Steve:Well, it was nice talking to ya. (gets up and leave)

I admit, that threw me off guard. He's just gonna LEAVE? I don't even HAVE a boyfriend! I chuckled to myself and finished drinking my free malibu and coke. Steve catches my eye again and makes a "come hither" motion with his hands. I shake my head no just as Mr. Married Man came up to me. Me and him (MMM) walked outside for a bit so he can smoke his ciggie and we can catch up. Things weren't awkward, which was good. He asked where Carmen was and told me he saw her at the train station with her man. Then he asked how I was doing, because apparently it looks like I'm going through it?

MMM: So what's up Chelle? You lookin kinda...
Me: Well damn, and here I was thinking I looked kinda cute. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily kick myself out of the bed.
MMM (laughs then takes a drag): Nah ma, you know you're sexy as hell. I'm lookin in your eyes though. I know it ain't men problems. (I give him the- "NOW YOU KNOW" look) 99 problems but a nigga ain't one, hunh?
Me: Exactly.

MMM's phone goes off and I go back inside before any plans can be made. Steve is still at the bar and nodding his head at me. I tab out and make my way towards him.

Steve: Your boyfriend won't get jealous that I'm talking to you, will he?
Me: Yes.
Steve: Let him get jealous. I know dude ain't hittin it right anyway. How old are you?
Me: 24. How old are you?
Steve: Old enough. (let that be read as over 30 definitely)
Me: I don't have a boyfriend
Steve: You ain't got no boyfriend? (I shake my head no) Well I know you got boy toys then
Me: And what makes you think that?
Steve: Cuz I know. (He gives me a long lingering look) But after we hook up, you can't be stalking me. I got a job and shit.
Me: Is that right?
Steve: Girl don't you know? I'm a Scorpio. You know what that means?
Me: No. Please enlighten me (of course I know. Scorpi-HO)
Steve: That means I'm a FREAK. I'll lick you EVERYWHERE. Girl, I'll lick your EYEBROWS....TWICE!
(Sorry, tried to hold it, but exploded with a loud laugh that caught everyone at the bar's attention) And I love to eat pussy. These young guys out here (he has to be at least 10 yrs older than me with that statement) do it because they feel they have to. I do it because I love it. Choke me with your thighs. Smother me until I can't breathe. Let me up for air for 5 seconds then push my head back down. I love that shit.

Have I mentioned that I've been drinking?! Numbers where exchanged.

Loves and Likes Ya!

I Have A Date?

I KNOOOOOW!!! Stop rolling your eyes. It just came as a surprise. It happened Thursday night. I was going to get some drinks since I got off of work early. What was supposed to be me, Carmen, Shara, David, and Kevin turned out to be just me and David. Kinda. Awkward. We started off at Wild Wing where I ran into Mr. Married Man and Mr. Last Thursday Night (YIKES) We stayed out there for maybe 30 minutes before we went to this hole in the wall pool hall with really good, really strong drinks. There were some curious glances in our direction, as I imagined they probably thought he paid for my company for the night, lol. Just kidding. Kinda. I had on a black v-neck t-shirt with a sequined rock n roll design, jeans, and black wedge heels. I managed to stuff my hair into a black newsboy cap and topped the look off with big silver hoops and a silver necklace. I don't THINK I looked like paid company *shrugs shoulders* but since he is an older white man who actually looks like an older white man not like- Paul Wall or something- we did look an odd couple. We still had some fun though. He let me get away with some cheating moves on the pool table, and applauded me with gusto when I did karaoke to "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood (damn I love a song where a girl gets revenge on a cheating asshole boyfriend) I was dropping him off and parked right beside this monster of a truck. Come to find out- it belongs to him! Oh I LOVE a big ol' diesel looking pickup truck. I just want to get behind the wheel and run people off of the road with it or something. I expressed my feelings about his truck and he says- wait for it- "Well, maybe I can take you for a ride in it. We'll go to dinner."

GASP!

Was that a dinner invitation? I mean, I know it's a dinner invitation- but is it a date DATE? Because I really don't know what to wear. There's only one thing I know for sure, I'm leaving the F*ck Me Pumps at home.

Loves and Likes Ya!

***UPDATE***
I just found out he wants to take me to this Cajun place that's like 20 minutes from our side of town. I'm adding up the minutes and...that's a whole bunch of conversation I'm gonna have to make from out my ass. DAMN.

Change Please

Mr: I am fairly obstinate. I am a taurus.
Me: Wait! Can I have some change for that $15 word?

You're Single?

Love Shay. Love Shara. Their situations are a little different, yet so similar.

Shay=> Been with baby's father, Kenta, on and off for 5 years. Baby's father is a great provider but fidelity isn't high on his list of priorities. She calls herself gaining some independence by getting her own place yet she drops everything she is doing to be at his beck and call. She does things to get his approval.
Shara=> Been with high school sweetheart, Seth, on and off for 7 years. He's a great guy, being there for her mentally and physically while she went through chemotherapy and radiation. He broke things off not because he wants to fool around, he is one of the faithful few, but because he feels he doesn't deserve her, and is trying to do something better with his life to earn her. She doesn't want to be there for him all the time, but she is. She doesn't want to care about what he may or may not like, but she does.

They both call themselves single. Physically they may be, but mentally? No, not at all. Shay's been talking to this guy from out of town. He asked to spend the night with her at her place. I expected her to say no because she has a son who is young and impressionable. She said no because "What would Kenta think, finding out I had some guy sleeping over?" Umm. He would think you have a f*ckin life for once?! He wasn't concerned about her feelings while he's impregnating all these other girls, so why is she concerned about his thoughts and feelings? Shara, hooking up with T and while with T, picks up Seth's phone calls, lies to him and pisses off T, because otherwise he will keep calling and it will get aggravating? It's called an IGNORE button, and they put that option there for a reason! Hell, it's called PUSHING THE POWER BUTTON.
See, THAT'S the kind of thing I'm talking about. How are you going to say you are single to the guys who approach you, but your actions say that you are in a relationship? I guess that's why I am single in every sense of the word, because I don't believe in that double talk nonsense.
It's funny because Shay and Shara get upset when other guys don't act the way they want him to. They say, "He knew what the deal was when we first go together." Naw dawg, YOU knew what the deal was. They thought the deal was- you are single so you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. Just saying.

Loves and Likes Ya=> but keep it real, you ain't single if you checkin to make sure he ain't at the same club you're at.

"Na Na Na- Come on na Annie Mae"

Shara: I don't know why I even try to lie. He saw right through my shit. Now he's catchin an attitude
Me: Uh-oh. He tryna Ike you? Na na na come on na Annie Mae, you ain't sangin it right na."
Shara: You ain't right at all girl
Me: They call it Nutbush!
(break into hysterical laughter)

Maybe White Ain't Alright?

Anybody who is close to me knows that I always say that my next boyfriend is going to be white. They think I'm playing. I'm like 87.62% sure that my next boyfriend isn't going to black. It is what it is. This being said, I have been having fun with all these vanilla pudding pops at my job. (Looking back at that last statement- maybe my sister was right about my analogies, lol) It's been hard balancing them though. Paul, David, Sam, Neal -and those names sound so white bread- all want some time with me and I'm feeling like my hands are full. I know that none of the guys I just listed can even be considered as boyfriend material. Paul is a divorced single father of 2 sons and stays in NY. David is going through a divorce with his wife, has a daughter, and lives in Michigan. Sam is the only one who is close to my age and he stays like an hour and some change away, but... I dunno. I don't trust his dimples. Neal is fresh from divorce after finding out his wife cheated on him. He's close to my age too and is a major cutie. But still, the problem I'm having is this: How can I tell if they're really interested in me, or if they're just trying to curb their craving for chocolate?

I know that I didn't tell you guys about this but sometime before that whole Top Flight Security fiasco, there was this white guest from Detroit. He was only 20 and looked cute wearing a white wife-beater, basketball shorts, and Jordan flip flops. I was on the couch watching some movie and he sat down right beside me. We talked and chilled for a while and he started getting fresh- in a good way. Things happened (I don't have to spell it out for you do I?) we didn't exchange numbers, can't even remember his name, but I couldn't help but feel like I was some kind of...what's the word? Not object, but...like I was an experiment or something? First time I ever felt like that after sex, so it caught me off guard. I wondered if I would've had those same feelings if it was a black guy.

That experience has affected me for sure, resulting in me giving the side eye to any white guy moving too fast without my consent. Damn shame. So Sam is talking to me and we're talking about music. AGAIN- I love all kinds of music and it shows in my iPod. He kept calling me Macy Gray because of how my hair was. I told him I get compared to Jill Scott most of the time and he had no idea who I was talking about. Then he says he doesn't like Kanye West because he doesn't make his own music. WHA?!?! I admit that I'm not that big of a fan of his 808's and Heartbreak album but his earlier albums are CLASSIC. (Moment of Silence for respect of albums)  How do I tell this white boy about the art of sampling and how people have been copying each other songs for centuries? I tried y'all. Out of the respect of my genealogy, I HAD to. I just saw my Dad and Sauce as floating heads over my shoulder looking in on this situation. That's when he said opposites attract or something like that. True. But I couldn't help but think about what other things we can disagree on, which can be many thanks to our different backgrounds. And what about other guys from different races? Wouldn't I be going through the same thing with them? Then I'll feel like Sanaa Lathan's character in the movie Something New. It's a lot to think about. For sure.

Loves and Likes Ya

Going Natural

And I don't mean that kind of natural- get your mind out of the gutter! (Although it's likely I just put it there, lol) I've been toying with the idea of going natural for a while now. I think it's this damn heat we've been having, sweatin a sista gurl's perm out.

For those who are unaware, "going natural" is a term used for women who stop relying on relaxers (perms) to get their hair straight. The whole thing seems to be a bit taboo for some reason, but starting to get more recognition thanks to Chris Rock's film "Good Hair"  A good bit of people in my life are already natural. Trina has dreads. Anjail sports a funky fro mohawk. Shara never had a perm in her life and lives off of pressing combs. Ms. Crazy (my stepmother) rocks the teeny weeny fro. Even my dad wears the Steve Hightower (you know, Steve Harvey's character?) But when I told my mom, her response was...

"Well it's a good thing we have mixed ancestry in our family. (insert laugh) You can rock it and still look cute."

Sheer ignorance with that first comment. I look like every other black girl out here. So what if we have White and Irish and Indian in our family? EVERYBODY'S family has something mixed up in there. Boy I tell ya. I can compare her sense of family pride with the sense of pride Hitler had for his nation. Born a Potter, Die a Potter. SMH. Her comment coupled with Shay's son's comment:

"Why do you wear your hair like that?"
"What? You don't like it?"
Shakes head no. "You should wear it like that-" Points to his mom's relaxed hair.

It's enough to give a girl a complex! It's a shame how much pressure is put on women and this invisible standard of beauty. And it's even worse that some women judge each other on this invisible standard. I'm not trying to break down barriers or anything like that, I'm just trying to keep it real and simple for me. NahMean?

Loves and Likes Ya=>No matter how your hair may look.

And Now...The Undramatic Conclusion

There's a good chance that the hacker isn't D. How can I have anti-virus software that don't do shit? I don't understand!! The message popped up that I have tracking cookies but it didn't have an option to remove it. After a frustrating couple of days, I went to the PC wizard- known as my dad- and told him to get rid of this black magic on my computer. He says I probably got the tracking cookies from going to those crazy websites I go to. Let that be read as: You got those cookies from going to those porn sites. WHOOPS! lmao. If that wasn't the most awkward thing for me. At least he put it in a nice way.

Loves and Likes Ya

"Actually, I Did Get The Blue Light Special...

Me: ...but they didn't give me a ticket. It was crazy too, because I wasn't even sporting cleavage.
Malachi: Man I bet you never had to pay for a ticket in your life. Just flash a cop a tig ol bittie and nigga- you straight. I can't do that shit. I can't flash shit but a smile.

I knew I needed some drinks in me because it's been a rough day. Someone has been hacking into my e-mail and then subsequently hacking into my facebook. The culprit I suspected, the ex- D, called me at work- telling me his problems like I'm Dr. Phil. Too many guests needing too much stuff. Add that to the fact that no one wants to hire me, I can't take as many classes as I want to this semester because they didn't approve me for financial aid, and I desperately need to move out my parent's place. I'm feeling a bit down. Agitated and snappy are responses that come quick. I fb chat with Sauce about the hacking and ask him to have a drink with me. He's all responsible and whatnot, stating that he has work in the morning. BLAH BLEH BLUH. I get off chat with him and my phone is singing, "I'm addicted to you..you're my addiction" MALACHI! Perfect timing or WHAT?! I need a distraction. We go to -where else?- Wild Wing and I buy the first 2 rounds. We're talking about religion, work, tattoos, and other stupid stuff. Just what I needed, pleasant company and strong drinks. :)

Loves and Likes Ya!=> and I may love you even more if buy the next round (;P)

Role Model Of The Year

So, I'm taking my cousin to the mall for back to school shopping. He's a junior, 17, and a cutie pie. We have serious talks all the time, mostly about sex because he has a lot of questions and I have a lot of honest answers. Well, I tell him to hold my wallet for me while I pump gas. I'm not thinking he's paying attention because he's on his cell with his girl. All of a sudden I hear,

"Aww shit. I know this isn't what the FUCK I think it is!?"

I turn my head and- dum dum DUM- he found the two condoms in the back pocket of my wallet. SMH. First off, let me tell you that my wallet is a leopard print sequined montrosity of a thing, so how he felt the condom is beyond me. Secondly, I was mildly embarassed, but not embarassed enough to say,

"Yea it's condoms. I hope you have one in your wallet too!"

To which he replied how he got straps on deck. The whole thing is funny as hell though. The condom was leftover from the night before- from an event I will rather not talk about, seeing as how it isn't the most righteous thing to do, even though it felt too damn good. Let a sista girl breathe for a minute....and...we're pressing play.

I'm sitting here getting admonished from this 17 year old boy because apparently it's the wrong type of condom to get since they break easily. WTF? It was the first time I ever bought condoms, and the only reason why I did buy that type was because the variety isn't there at a bootleg gas station at 2:35 am. I bought a 3 pack and didn't know what to do with the leftover condoms. He (the aggressor of the night before) couldn't use them because it would look very suspicious and I didn't know what to do- all I knew was SOMEBODY was gonna use them damn things!

After the cousin found the stash, I hid it in my glove compartment. Not in plain sight- please give me a little more credit than that- but buried in my file folder. Of course I used this situation to talk to cousin a little more about STD's and that kind of thing, but I know that it kinda threw him off seeing me with the condoms like that.

Loves and Likes Ya=> and I loves and likes my protection as well. Hope you do too!

You Like HIM?!?!

My tastes for the opposite sex has always been...what's the right word I'm looking for? Kinda quirky. The guys I tend to go after aren't quite conventionally sexy. Don't take that to mean that I go out with straight up ugg-muggs, on the contrary, the guys are cute. Just not- stab-yo-bestie-run-over-yo-sista-gotta-havea-needa-wanta-have him sexy. Lmao, I'm so crazy, smh.

So the above statement was made by Carmen when we were talking about a guest. No ,not my Paul from NY, (just know that we went out for drinks and smooched some but we still remain flirtatious, nothing serious) but a handsome deep chocolate brother with a simple Ralph Lauren style.

"Yeah. He's sexy"
"Hmmm."
"Okay, well cute?"
"Hmm. Alright."
"Well, he's fine to me. I know my tastes are different from most so..."

Something about a seriously groomed guy freaks me out a little. Probably because I'm pretty low maintenance (although some people will disagree- for the sake of the argument, we will ignore said people), a guy who is high maintenance drives me crazy. Instead weird things attract me. Strong forearms, muscular back, agile looking fingers *pause* and I wasn't really aware just how sexually oriented my list of attractions were. Damn Shame.

Anyway, I'm not obsessed with guys in name-brand fashions and ice cream paint job whips likes Shay. I'm not looking for the most gully gangsta from Brooklyn like Carmen. Pretty boys don't excite me as much as they do Shara. And yes it's nice to have smarts but I can't handle it like Anjail, if a guy is too damn smart- he'll just give me a headache after a while. Instead, it's the guys with the smart ass mouth and adventurous personality that gets my attention.

That's how I got with George- without a doubt the most facially challenged guy I ever went out with. We can go back and forth all day long and twice on Sunday and neither one of us will be bothered in the least bit. He had an extremely smart mouth, and I loved it. The cheating on me bit I could've done without.

Sauce was the most fun, between air hockey matches and arcades and just chilling with one another, it was good times all around. Definitely spontaneous. As a matter of fact, I remember this one time when I wanted to introduce him to my coworkers/friends. He was supposed to be meeting all of us at the job and afterward we were gonna go over my girl's place. Now mind you, we weren't all in our after 5 wear, but having Sauce show up in some jeans and a raggedy shirt-excuse me while I get myself together- that had a picture of a man's tight jeans with a pack of Lance crackers peeking out the back pocket with the accompanying words; "I've got Lance in my pants!" That was PRICELESS! It was too funny for me to get as righteously mad as I wanted to get. I remember I just kept shaking my head and saying stuff like- "Out of all the clothes you have in your closet, you had to pick the one that said you had LANCE in your PANTS?!?"

D was my "conventionally sexy" boyfriend. Tall, dark, and handsome with that football built. Niiice. But...it was just lacking. Just as sweet as he wanted be, but I was a little too much for him. Personality wise. He thought I was just being mean until he went with me to visit my family up north. Then he realized that I came from a long line of smart-asses and tried to accept me for who I am. Noticed I said, TRIED, we tried twice. No love. Keeping up was hard for him to do *shrugs shoulders*

That was just the boyfriends. The guys I talk to that I find attractive, more often than not get the, "Eh-well-he's kinda cute" treatment from my friends, but I don't care.

Loves and Likes ya=> and I know what I like ;p

I'm Good...

Me: Most of the time, whenever I drink I either get sleepy of horny.
Paul: So either way you're heading to the bed.
Me (laughing): Never thought of it like that, but yeah.

Yeaaaaah Boooooy

I bummed some music from my dad and downloaded it to the 'Pod. The new Wu-Tang, Kweli, Freeway, The Roots, Big Boi, Dwele and B.o.B. And some new people- YahZarah and Sy Smith. I've only gotten through Big Boi (Good solid album. LOOOOVE Tangerine) and the minute I heard the intro to Dwele's album...oh. OH. What is it about good music that just...oh. It just moves your heart! I'm telling you- I was in the car just VIBING. I was gonna keep driving, just because I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the album. Good stuff. And it's been too long since I've heard a gooood album like that. Here goes one of my favorite tracks with another of my fave singers, Raheem DeVaughn:

Girl Talk

Carmen: Was he packin'?
Shara: Umm, I dunno, I think it wa-
Carmen: What color was the condom? Did you get to see the condom?
Shara: Yeah. It was green.
Carmen: Hmph. Eenie Meenie.

Really Carmen? LMAO

Got Caught

So I'm just chatting with Sauce on Fb. I forget how the topic came up and DAMN I wish I can save those chats. Er- scratch that- don't need any proof, lol. But there it was:

so how can i improve my eating technique?

I just answered truthfully. It wasn't until I hit the enter key that I realized... Chelle- you got caught talking shit. MAD SHIT! I am aware that Sauce knows I blog (and occasionally blog about him) because I let him read a post or 2 or 3. However, I was not aware of the frequency of which he visits the blog. I sat in that chair and shook my damn head for about 2 minutes before I said, "Ah eff it. What's done is done." But I over-exaggerated the whole thing because Sauce was ridiculously blase about the whole thing. I guess I'm too used to the guys in my life being such Drama Queens. Seriously. Guess I better slow my roll on the shit talking.

Loves and Likes Ya=> and if you believe that last statement, you're just as crazy as me!

Only One Thing On My Mind...

...and obviously it's sex. Honestly? I can count on one hand how many sex dreams I've had, so it came as a surprise when I had one last night. And with the most randomest (Yes. I am aware that "randomest" isn't a word.) person. My co-worker who's been trying to get with me for the longest. I've always just held him at bay because, well, something just isn't right about him. It's like he's one fry short of a happy meal. On top of that, he's in an on-again/off-again relationship with his pregnant baby momma. Too. Much. Drama. For me.
   The dream was very explicit and very vivid, enough for me to blush when he first came up to me the next day. It was kinda awkward, at least for me. He was still cracking his typical jokes: "Chelle. Why you wanna treat me so bad? Had me outside your window, in the rain, singing love songs in my boxers." SMDH. Why me? Lol. I guess the only answer is to find my release. Guess I'm back on the hunt for a new FB.

Loves and Likes Ya=> but that doesn't mean you get to invade my dreams.

Hotel Hookups

   In the midst of me working like a sharecropper, I looked up and realized...our hotel was CRAWLING with mancandy! I mean- whew! We're talking about my average guest being white married male aged from mid 30's to late 50's. I'm observing the place and seeing guys from mid 20's to mid 30's, looking good from all races. I had to tell the sales manager, "Girl, Chris! Thank you for giving me some mancandy to ogle at the desk. It makes work sooo much better!" That got a good laugh out of her.
   I first noticed this white guy, probably late 20's, early 30's. Nice fit body with a bald head that he kept gleaming. But y'all, I must admit I was a tad bit stumped. Because no matter how nice I was to him or how many flirty smiles I sent his way, he remained somewhat surly. I just chalked it up as a "L" and moved on to this other cute guy, Paul, from NY. Said he's Puerto Rican and Irish. That's the melting pot at it's finest. He made me a drink and after my shift, we sat outside and talked for a good 30 minutes, ending the night with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He's a cutie y'all so excuse me while I Chester Cheese for a bit.
   Moving on...I checked in this tall, lanky young black guy. He was a cutie as well (otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned him- duh!) but tall and lanky ain't my schtik so I passed. That did not stop me from hooking him up with Shara though. Tall T, my nickname for him, is in town for a month and a half for work. And guess who one of his co-workers is? Mr. Clean! You know- the bald-headed surly one. Turns out he's just really shy. Also in the mix is a young white guy who is just so cute in a shaggy kind of way. I just tell him, "You are so adorable! I'm gonna put you in my pocket." We call him The Kid or The Boy.
  Anjail and I just adopted Tall T,  Mr. Clean, and The Kid in our crew and I invited them to hang out with all of us for my birthday. Unfortunately my "boyfriend" Paul went back to NY, but he'll be back next week. And that is how I came to have one of the best birthdays in a loooong time!

Loves and Likes Ya!

Bugging Out At Bankers

   It was a rare Saturday night that I didn't have to work night audit, when Shay invited me and Shara to Bankers. Bankers is a hole in the wall pool hall that turns into something like a club with a live DJ on the weekend. So we were down with it, after all Shara needed a distraction and even though I have my hands full with Malachi and Loon, I was looking to fill up my boo basket. Shara and I get there first and we scope the place out. It was kinda empty so we just sipped and chatted until our motley crew came into the bar. Shara called dibs on this yummy piece of mancandy. Tall, nice brown skin, tall tee (again- we just can't seem to let that trend go) designer jeans, Jordans, and a medallion that looked like it came out of the Cracker Jack box. Never mind the medallion, the guy was sexy. His friends? Eh- not so much.

So Shay's here now with her twin sis Puddy and their brother Keon, and their play cousin Cabbage. Anjail calls me and tells me she's at the ATM and should be there shortly with two of her friends. We were in there hella deep and getting hella DRUNK tipsy. Anjail and I got Shara hella loose. She's in the cut with Cracker Jack Chain (find out later "they" -whoever they are- call him Prince. Excuuuuuse me.) Shay is checking her phone (and mine) every 5 minutes to see if her no good boyfriend called. (so pitiful) Cabbage, Anjail and I are doing our drink and two-step, and Puddy is freaking any and every guy (and some girls) who comes into contact with her. Keon is babysitting us because we are the loudest damn people in the place. When did I start hanging out with "those" girls? You know what I'm talking about. The loudest, most rowdiest girls in the place, that other girls look at with the screwed face?

   Shara's ex saunters in the place and Shara is pissed and shocked at the same time. Pissed because he would always tell her, "I don't go out like that" whenever she tried to get him to go somewhere with her and shocked because "he doesn't go out like that" As far as I'm concerned, it was a win win situation for her. She's always talking about him taking her for granted and blah blah blah. That's because she treats the boy like a safety net and vice versa. With him seeing her out, with the rowdiest girls in the place no less, and with Cracker Jack Chain steady buying her drinks and trying to feel up on her, shows him that she doesn't really need him like that. And actions are always better than words.

   "Should I go over there and act like I'm getting a drink?" She asks me. I gave her the most stankin ass face I could muster. Nothing worse than trying not to look desperate by ACTING desperate. I told her- "Don't go NOWHERE near that damn bar and don't do NOTHING extra to try to get him to look at you. Don't be thirsty."  She didn't listen too well though. It took all her power not to go to the bar but she did proceed to act out more than she normally would. You can lead a horse to water...

   At this point, Puddy is pissy drunk from all the drinks Cracker Jack Chain and his friends were buying us, and she's freaking on top of one of the pool tables. This girl done danced tiny holes in the seam of her tight-fitting Coogi shirt, humped one of Anjail's friends and asked for her number (I told you she was hitting on girls. Tia, Anjail's friend, told Puddy- You ain't gay sweetie, you're just really drunk! lol) , and knocked two different guy's drinks out of their hands. Cabbage is acting like homegirl's parole officer by refusing her anymore drinks or dances and bulldozing her out of the bar. We all meet up and decide to go to the Waffle House where Cracker Jack Chain and crew agreed to pay for all of our food. SUH-WEET. Too bad the Waffle House was standing room only. I decided to pack it on in and go to bed. Can't over-excite myself ya know.

Loves and Likes Ya=> but please don't spill  my drink!

Wrap It Up

Guest: Y'all have condoms here?

Me: Uh- that will be a no. But I do have saran wrap...

GASP! I'm a...MUSIC SNOB?!

 I try not to discriminate when it comes to music, Lord knows my musical tastes have always been a bit questionable. I mean really- how many 12 year old black girls you know that loved to listen to Prince and Aerosmith? But the face I made when my cousin from up north asked why I don't have more Wacka and OJ and Gucci in my iPod? That shit was PRICELESS!

Looking back at it now though, why did I respond the way I did? Is it because even though I get hype off of a little Gucci, in the back of my mind I know that this is straight coon music? And by coon music, I mean music with lyrics that degrade our community and don't contribute with a story. Am I any better just because I have some Common, Malik Yusef, Lupe and Wale in my Pod? You know, Wacka and 'em, somebody is vibing with their music because they're making more money than I am and the radio is playing it in rotation. They're making their music and having their dreams come true, so who am I to shoot them down just because it may not, particularly, be my cup of tea. I'm all for shaking my ass and wanting to start a fight in the club off a song, not mad at it at all. So let me bring my nose down from the clouds.

Loves and Likes Ya => no matter who you listen to

S.O.S. Part II

finally, part II

 We're leaving the gas station and it's obvious this fool, Loon, is drunk. He misjudges his u-turn and proceeds to hop a curb and maim a bush. Then he gets on the highway doing 85. Any bit of buzz I may have had was killed trying to focus on Speed Racer's drunk Asian cousin! After a maze of turns once we exited the highway, we finally turn into this beautiful community of town homes. Parking is pretty nonexistent so we park our cars at the community center and walk to the house. We go in and the first words out of Loon's mouth were,

"We ain't got no drinks or nothing but we can just chill."

Now me and Shara are looking at each other with the "WTF" faces. 

"So how y'all gon' invite us over for drinks when y'all ain't got none?" Shara asks. I co-sign the statement.

 "I'm saying though, we can just chill and whateva." Loon is saying, trying to get us to stay.

At this point, my stomach is feeling a little tight. Idk, it's a nervous thing I get whenever I know I'm going to be alone with a guy. It's been happening to me every since my first date with my first real boyfriend. So somehow we're on this small ass love seat, Shara and Eddie with me on the armrest, and we have the TV on. Loon is trying to get me up to his room. Shara is trying to get me to stay down in the living room. Eddie is trying to shoo me off to Loon so he can be with Shara alone. At this point, I'm just like- EFF IT, whatever happens, happens.
   I go upstairs and I sit on the bed, he follows. And we talk. And when I say we, I mean HE. Obviously he's one of those people who turn into talkers when they get drunk. He'll talk, I'll make a face, he'll get distracted and stop, I'd look at him, and he keeps talking. He's talking in circles. Telling me his life story but at the same time, not going into details- leaving me as lost as Paris Hilton in a Wal-Mart. Finally he takes a break and goes to the bathroom. During this silence I hear Shara fiercely whispering my name up the steps. I get up off the bed and see her halfway leaning up the stairs. She starts to ask me if I'm ready to go yet. I tell her yeah and just give me a little time to say goodbye to this nut. I go back to the room and he's getting out of the bathroom. I tell him I'm about to go and he's looking a little sad. He's making sure that he has my number in his phone (after about 4 failed attempts, he finally saves it under L lashel. Damn shame.) and he's inviting me to come back anytime so we can chill. He's placing sweet little kisses on my neck and on my cheek and I hear the fierce whisper of my name again. I ignore it and right when we go for the kiss on the lips, I hear my name being called again. But this time I stop, because the tone of this voice don't sound too good. Call it that sister intuition, but I knew something wasn't right. So I grab Loon and tell him to walk me to my car. The look on Shara's face is priceless. The look of a pissed-off sistagurl.
   When we get back into the car, Shara begins to relay the events that happened once Loon and I left the living room:

"Once y'all left, he turned into this HORNDOG! He began to rub his hands on my body and I'm like- You need to slow your roll and he's like- I can't help it, you're so sexy. And then he tries to kiss me. But he kisses like a big, slobbery, St. Bernard. I mean Kaycee (our miniature Schnauzer) can kiss better than him. So I'm steady pushing him off me and I get up from the sofa and head to the kitchen to get some air and a glass of water. He follows me to the kitchen and then proceeds to back me up and pick me up and put me on the counter top. And he's at it again. If it was anybody else, I would've been turned on but he's like too pushy and his skills are wack. And worst- he unzipped my pants and tried to eat me out. I'm like- What are you doing?! and he's like- I just gotta taste you. And I say- No you don't. Because I already knew that if he can't kiss my lips, he can't lick MY lips! So I just tell him that I gotta go to the bathroom and then that's when I start whispering your name and asked if you were ready to go. I mean, I didn't know what was going on up there with you two so I didn't want to cut any good times short."

"Girl, the only thing he was doing was telling me his life story like I was watching VH1 Behind the Music or something"

"You're a trip. So then after we talk, I go back to the living room and sit back on the couch and he's acting normal. And in the middle of our conversation, he's trying to stretch me out on the couch and he WHIPS HIS DICK OUT and that's when you heard me call your name again, I was scared that he was so drunk that he was gonna try to take it or something! I guess he realized my fears and got a grip of himself because he started apologizing."

"Wooooooow. I can't believe it! Eddie? Maaan. " PAUSE  "How big was he?"

"Gurrl, it was weak just like him!"

Gotta hear those S.O.S signals!

Loves and Likes Ya

S.O.S

Do I need to make a new label called Thirsty Thursdays? Because Wild Wing Wednesdays ain't even poppin' like that anymore. After I get off of work, Shara and I go to this pool hall called Yellow Rose. Talkin bout some thug nasty, nasty thugs? And some hoodrats? Maaaan.The playoff game was on and everyone was all extra hype after the Lakers won. Call us snobs, but we decided to leave after some local cat was spitting some crazy rhymes. And by crazy I mean crazy dumb. And what's worse? The chorus is stuck in my head:

"What you talkin is irrelavent, keep on talkin and Ima end up at your residence. Aww naww, you done messed up. Dippin in the mustard but you can't ketchup"

   I know right? Damn. So where do we go? Of course. Wild Wing. We sit at the bar and a couple of minutes later this cute dude bumps into the chair next to me. I asked him if he was alright because he was rubbing his chest. And he was like, "Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie, that shit hurts likes a bitch." And we both laugh. Shara is bumping my leg and giving me the green light to continue talking to dude. At first glance I couldn't really guess his nationality. Either Asian or Hispanic, hard to tell because the only accent he had was a northern one.  He nods at my vodka and cranberry and tells me that I should get the bartender to mix it with some pineapple juice, otherwise I'll wake up with a killer headache. I take his advice and it does taste a little smoother. Then he starts to ask why we came so late and I told him about us going to the Yellow Rose after I got off of work. I then ask where he's from and he's thinking I mean what's his nationality. But I tell him - yeah I would like to know your nationality, but I would also like to know if you stayed up north because I hear an accent (and even though I didn't tell him, the way he talks so animatedly with his hands is almost a dead giveaway of being a northerner). Turns out he was born in Vietnam and moved to the US with his aunt when he was 5. They lived in New York for a while then moved to Greensboro NC and finally Charlotte.
    Actually, it wasn't as plain cut as I've just stated. Homeboy almost gave me a full autobiography. He disappears for a minute and I get to turn to Shara where we squeal about how cute he is. I know, I know. We're such girls sometimes! lol. So she's wondering  what's taking me so long to get the number and find out if he has any friends that he can introduce to her. He comes back after a while and try to tab out. I tab out and tell him that we (Shara and I) are gonna sit on the patio and ask if he wants to come to come with. He says he'll join us in a lil bit.
   Much to Shara's delight, he brought a friend along, introduced himself as Eddie, and sits down at the table. It was then that I realized that I didn't even know homeboy's name. Loon. LOON! What kind of crazy name is that? The only thing I kept thinking about was that sexy rapper Loon from Bad Boy. You know..."How you want that? Tell me how you want that, daddy how you wanna give it to me? A bad boy is what I need" I know you remember that! We all chat for a while. It's quite obvious that Loon is faded. He asks me what we're getting into tonight. At this time it's about 2am and I'm thinking to myself, "What am I getting into tonight? Hell, I'm trying to get into my damn bed." It was a hard day at work y'all. But instead I tell him nothing and he invites me to his place for more drinks and just to "chill". I just kinda brushed it off. Maybe 10 minutes later I hear Eddie asking Shara the same thing. She tells him that she rode with me so it's really up to me. Oh Brother. Bathroom break.

Shara: Girl. What are we gonna do?
Me:  I dunno. They seem kinda harmless. What kinda name is Loon?
Shara: A sexy name, just like him. I mean, I do kinda want to go, ain't like I got anything else to do.
Me: What was up with Eddie studying your feet like a damn science project?
Shara: I know right? I knew you were kidding when you said it, but I think he DOES have a foot fetish. Girl. That man is 34 years old. Did Looney Tunes tell you how old HE was?
Me: Right. Along with his social security number and blood type. NO. He was all like "age ain't nothin but a number." Hell, he's probably 45 girl!
Shara: So we're going?
Me: What the hell. You got notches?
Shara: It's fully charged girl.
Me: Alright then.

   We all rendezvous at the gas station. Shara and I are still in my car, Loon goes inside the store. Eddie goes inside the store. Minutes are going by and we're trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Me: Maybe they're getting more drinks or something?
Shara: Yeah. Or maybe they're getting condoms.

Eddie leaves the store with nothing in his hand. Loon leaves the store with a bag of pork rinds.

Me and Shara: They got condoms.

This post is seeming long as hell y'all! And there's still more to the story. I'll conclude it tomorrow.

Loves and Likes Ya

Boy I Tell Ya...

You just don't find good ol' fashioned ignorance like this anymore!

Me: I just need to see your ID and method of payment please.
Guest: There you go again with that. You know if you guys keep asking me that, I'm gonna have to find somewhere else to stay. (I give a polite chuckle) I'm serious. Asking for ID and credit cards leads to identity theft.
Me: Well I guess you're gonna have to find someplace else to stay because that's corporate policy.
Guest: Well is there a comment card I can fill out? Management really needs to do something about that.
Me: The comment card is in your room, but honestly filling it out will do no good. It is a corporate policy to verify identification with credit cards.
Guest: You know, the Nazis had a policy of exterminating Jews but that doesn't make it right.
Me: I'm not sure how you can compare the two. Our policy is to help PREVENT identity theft by verifying that the person in front of me and the name and picture on the ID matches the information on the credit card. I've had many guests actually thank me for asking  for their ID because identity theft has happened to them before. Which may be the same reason why many people write "See ID" on the back of their credit cards. I know it would give me a sense of security to have someone verify my information.
Guest: I'll have to give it you, you sure do know how to argue a point well.

Sorry. Normally I'm not so combative with my guests. Usually a guest would say something like that and it rolls off my shoulders like- Yeah, Whateva- but he caught me on the wrong day. And even though I told him that, you can visually TELL that it was like talking to a brick wall. Case in point: The next day I came into work, I saw the comment card. "Drop so-called need to verify photo identity at check-in. Leads to identity theft." For his last name to be Wright, he sho is WRONG!

Trouble, TROUBLE

   So it's Thursday and Joyce and Carmen and I wanted to get some drinks after work. Wild Wing here we come. $2 vodka drinks? Say word! Carmen gets the first two rounds and we take it outside to the patio, choosing to sit at a table with a black couple. Carmen is talking to the guy because the guy recognizes her and by default, recognizes me as well. Chile, I couldn't place his face to save my life but as he describes what happened that night of the initial meeting, I'm putting the pieces together. I laughed my ass off remembering how toasted Carmen was and how she violated his poor cousin. My good ol' buddy Antoine comes outside and sits down beside me, lighting up his cigarette and putting his beer down on the table. We exchanged pleasantries and I go to the bar to buy the next round of drinks. When I come back, Carmen is talking to the girl about how she just found out she has cervical cancer and her impending surgery. Yeah. Carmen has cancer, but luckily she caught it during the early stages so all she needs is a quick surgery. Thank God for small favors. Anyways, Carmen has everyone at the table in stitches as she talks about her dysfunctional relationship with her man. Girl is crazy y'all! She talks straight up shit to that man and he puts up with it. She's not as bad as Ms. Crazy with it though, but she still got him in check. So on the subject of men, Antoine asks me if I heard from D. I told him yeah- WAIT! Did I tell y'all though? Lemme check real quick...Nope. Sure didn't.
Well one night D called me while I was at work reading a good book at a good part. So he's talking but I'm not picking up on the voice, trying to figure out which guest this is and what the hell they want. I couldn't hide it anymore though so I was just like- "I'm sorry, who is this?" and in typical dramatic D fashion he says, "Well damn. I guess it's a good thing I didn't call you in an emergency, I would've been dead!" I knew who it was then and I'm 85% sure he heard my eyes roll to the back of my head. He started asking questions and I deaded them pretty quickly so he told me to write down his number and call him later. Right. THAT didn't happen. First of all, I told him repeatedly how much I hate getting personal phone calls on my work line, so that just annoyed the hell out of me. Second of all, you know- when it's over, it's over. And maybe we can be good friends like Sauce and I but I just don't see that happening. D is the kind of guy who gets attached easily and I don't need him getting any mixed signals.
   Antoine is clearly amused by this story and says something to the effect of everything has their season. I ask him how his family is doing and he proceeds to show me pics of his two adorable children. Time really does fly, because I remember them being so young but now they're developing personalities, it's really cute to see how much pride he shows with all the pics in the wallet. But at the same time- he's sending me these looks that are sending signals straight to Lola. It didn't help that the table conversation got turned to sex somehow. I think Carmen was talking about how she refuses to give her man head and she doesn't want him doing that to her either. Of course everyone is weighing in on the subject. Next thing you know the guys are talking about their oral skills and positions. Antoine turns to me asks if D was hitting it right. I answered truthfully and he just kinda looked at me and nodded his head. Then he said something like he can get me loose and he's looking at me again. I just kinda look back at him. Carmen notices the private conversation and she tells us that we look like a cute couple. I choose that moment to get up to go to the bathroom. Joyce hands me some money so I can get another round of drinks for us.
   When I come back to the table, Antoine is telling Carmen how me and him "get it in" all the time. Carmen is just looking all bug-eyed and slack-jawed, saying "Nuh-Unh" and "Oooh". And he starts to describe in detail everything we do. At this point, it's just messing with me because the most contact we've ever had was one of those "church hugs" you know- one arm, no real body contact. But I know what he's doing. He's trying to get me to imagine how it WOULD be if I were to get with him. He's winning for a minute but after Carmen lets out a long "oooooh" I squash it by telling her how we know each other. Of course she knows who D is, everyone at my damn job knew him and when I tell her how pretty his wife and kids are, she has to see the pics. She's Black and Puerto Rican but Carmen says she looks more Dominican than anything. Then the two of them start talking about Spanish foods and I felt like the conversation was finally on safe ground.
   I was losing my damn mind out there. I mean, I can't deny that there has always been an attraction between the two of us since D first introduced us, but I knew that was his boy. And he's married. AND his chick can really scrap. I'm sure when it comes down to the nitty gritty I can hold my own, but I don't want to test that out anytime soon. But still...it's nearing the end of the night and we exchange numbers. He's asking if I was okay to drive because I was in straight chill mode, but I told him I was good and he said he hoped so. That was definitely a double entendre. So we're all in the parking lot and he's giving me instructions- I think for when to call him- and how I BETTER call him. I'm not even gonna lie, I was toying with the idea for sure. I mean, damn. Just Damn.
   After passing out once I got home, I woke up and erased his number from my contact list. I don't need that trouble. I may want it A LITTLE a lot, but I don't need it.

Loves and Likes Ya!

Ultimate Teamwork FAIL

We've talked about my views on marriage. Just call me the eternal bachelorette until I find a guy who can make me change my mind. What about my parent's marriage? My mom and dad married when I was 3 or 4 and was divorced by the time I turned 6. They were young and dumb though. Mom being 17 when she had me, stuck in the most suburban town in Jersey, while dad was 18 and traveling with his band. My mom's next husband looked like a broke down version of Spike Lee. He had a jacked up ass attitude- like he didn't know that he looked a hot mess- and their relationship pretty much isolated my mom from the rest of the family. My mom's husband now- well you remember Lamont? She's realizing that she jumped into marriage prematurely and now she's just biding her time until she gets herself together.

My dad is married to a tyrant of a woman with a mixture of various personality disorders (unfortunately they are all undiagnosed but I bet dollars to donuts that one of them is bi-polar) that are all held hostage in a five foot two frame. Grandma Emilie calls her psycho and unstable, and that's saying a lot from a woman who gets along with EVERYBODY. Honestly, she's always been off to me since the first time I met her and she was yelling at her daughter, Shara, for not knowing where the scissors were. Yea. That kinda set the tone for the whole relationship. She's always yelling, like she doesn't know how else to express her feelings. She's one of those people who just get so excitable and feels as if she HAS to yell just to be heard.  My dad is an extremely laid-back and friendly person. As a matter of fact, the first time I ever heard him raise his voice was when he began his relationship with that crazy woman. You know what? Let's just call her Ms. Crazy from now on, because I like the way that sounds.

Somewhere along the line of this extremely dysfunctional relationship, she became more domineering and he became more dormant. Excuse the dramatics, but the guy I once knew with the confident swagger and vibrant attitude became more aloof and as a true daddy's girl, I can tell he was unsatisfied with his life. I mean, wouldn't you be as well when you're stuck working a job where you're constantly overlooked for promotion, while your wife is at home spending your money? Shit, I'll be pissed the hell off. Ike Turner. Isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership? A balance of give and take and always having each other's backs? Hunh. This team sucks ass. Lol. The man is working overtime 5 days a week and on the weekend he's supposed to...do everything that you should've been doing while you were at home? And what are you doing while you're at home? Are you cooking his dinner? Making his lunch? Trying to make your household a peaceful haven for him once he gets off work? No. You're half-assing dinner, talking down to him and not understanding why he's so tired when all he does is "sit down and answer phones all day" SMH. That sounds like a team of ME and not WE.

Enough with the background, this is what happened. When the family first moved into this house, they couldn't afford it. Like I said, she didn't have a job (which is confusing in itself because she had two of them bitches when the relationship first started, a sister girl gets a ring on her finger and all of a sudden it's "I'm not cut out for the work force. I need to be my own boss. Blah Blah Blah" Obviously she's the only one who doesn't seem to know that we're in a recession.) so they borrowed $1100 from me and $1300 from Shara and some more money from Grandma Emilie and some money from Ms. Crazy's aunt. Come to find out, the house had a sub-prime mortgage and thanks to Trina, I learned a little real estate lesson about mortgages and payments and somewhere along the line, the mortgage wasn't getting paid. I started noticing those threatening letters in the mail pile and Shara and I talked about it but we never thought it was serious since the parents didn't say anything to us. They were going around spending money like it was going out of style and going on trips with the church, so really it wasn't anything alarming. I knew they were actively seeking help with programs and the like so imagine my surprise when Ms. Crazy knocks on my bedroom door and says,

"Do you have someone you can stay with for a while? We lost the house."

It's still kinda early and everyone knows Chelle isn't much of a morning person, so my reaction was, "Yeah, I'm sure I can find somewhere." She goes on to say that we may not have a lot of time to pack so I should start rightaway and by the way, I should pray for my dad to become a "stronger man because his family shouldn't have to go through this"

WOW.

Did this chick just say.....??? What I THINK she said?!! Yeah, I'll pray for my dad to be a stronger man so he can tell her to get off her lazy, crazy ass and get a job! An hour or two later, Shara comes up to my room and of course she's telling me everything that her crazy mama is saying and how the drama unfolded. She tells me that when Ms. Crazy came back downstairs she told Shara that I must've thought she was playing because of my nonchalant reaction. I told Shara what Ms. Crazy said about me praying for my dad and Shara's shaking her head in disbelief.

Why try to place blame when they're both at fault? Dad for not standing up and telling his family that he needed help. And that's what hurts the most with all this. Shara and I are both employed and mature enough to know that things happen. Was it his pride that got in the way of asking us for help? Or did he believe that since his wife expected everything to be handed to her- we'll be the same way? It hurts y'all, if he did think that. And what about her, Ms. Crazy? She said she would always remind him to call the people with those house saving programs but he'll always say he will but won't and she couldn't talk to the people herself since her name wasn't on the mortgage. THAT'S her excuse? REALLY?!? If you saw that you were about to lose your house, would you accept that? I wouldn't! Instead of  making my hubby drive me around Charlotte and Gastonia to look for shoes and clothes to wear to church (0_o) I would gather up all the paperwork, dial the number, and hand that phone and paperwork to my husband so he can handle that business. I wouldn't have been asking for sponsored trips to Hilton Head and Charleston (Yes those were two separate events) and if I was him- I would've told her ass to stay home instead of spending money that they didn't have! Simple.

Luckily the housing issues were worked out and we have a nice house that we're renting. It was kinda sad to say goodbye to the house though, but things happen for a reason. I'm a firm believer of that notion. This event was the ultimate teamwork FAIL. Ballhogging, travelling, incomplete plays, fouls, the whole nine.  Hopefully they can learn from this experience. Either learn how to operate more as a team, or learn that this team may not be for them.

What Do You Do...???

So, we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses. And y'all, I'm talking about sexually. My strength? Definitely giving head. Weakness? Riding. I admit it, I can get a lil lazy after a while. And while I can still count my number of sexual partners on one hand- wait a minute while I verify the validity of the statement...WHEW! Barely made it! lol- I can remember their specific strengths and weaknesses. C: With him being my first, all I remember thinking was how big it was. His strength? Giving emotional support after popping the cherry. His weakness? Hot ass breath! lol. I just remember it being hot on the back of my neck for like- no reason! Lemme stop y'all. Ok, next- Wright. I can still swoon about the night he seduced me because it played out like the perfect romantic movie. Thunderstorm- check. Home cooked meal- check. Movie- check. Slow, lingering kisses- check. Slow sexy music and candles- check. Removing my belt buckle with his teeth- HOT DAMN! Strength: His moves, more moves than Chris Brown in his "Take You Down" video. Weakness: He only focused on HIS pleasure. Then there was D, whose strength was eating like he hasn't been fed in YEARS! Whoooo. *My legs just turned into jelly reminiscing* But his weakness was his insecurity, always wanting to know how he did like he's at the Olympics waiting for a scorecard. Chile, PUHLEEZE. Sauce is a savage and that's his strength. I guess it's because from the get-go we knew that we weren't there to "make love" bump that. We were just straight up F*CKIN and he behaved in that manner. LOVE IT, although the fact that I do love it makes me a bit worried that I may be a bit turned on by S&M???  And even though I love the roughness he applies with every stroke, I do NOT appreciate that roughness when he begins to sample the goods. *And now my legs just clinched together in memory* I mean, I appreciate his enthusiasm because it's always good to see a guy who enjoys licking the plate, but dammit if he ain't tryin to bite the plate too! It almost feels like a female circumcision or something. With Malachi it's a little too soon to tell what his strength or weakness may be but something tells me I'm gonna have fun finding out! I mean, the outside thing was exciting and thrilling enough really.

Honestly, the purpose of this post is this: What do you do when your sexual partner doesn't know their weakness? Do you tell them or do you be evasive whenever the subject comes up? Sis and I were debating this earlier tonight when I was telling her about Sauce. So of course we came up with a little list of techniques I can use if need be:

Me: Keep his mouth occupied with other things-=> naughty wink

Sis: Play dead=> Said because the clenching of the thighs and the faces made can be misconstrued for pleasure instead of terror

Me: Pop his head whenever it begins to wander down to the treasure box=> I reckon if you do it enough, it'll be like a Pavlov effect. Ya smack him enough and he'll won't be able to go down without flashbacks

Sis: Feed him so he won't be hungry => And by this she means real food! Girl loves food. Lol

Me: Tell him, "Look- I know they say Pain is Pleasure but DAMMIT do you have to tear my shits out? Is you THAT hungry baby?" 

And we busted out in a fit of giggles.

Loves and Likes Ya! =>No matter what your strengths and weaknesses may be!