I'm Good...

Me: Most of the time, whenever I drink I either get sleepy of horny.
Paul: So either way you're heading to the bed.
Me (laughing): Never thought of it like that, but yeah.

Yeaaaaah Boooooy

I bummed some music from my dad and downloaded it to the 'Pod. The new Wu-Tang, Kweli, Freeway, The Roots, Big Boi, Dwele and B.o.B. And some new people- YahZarah and Sy Smith. I've only gotten through Big Boi (Good solid album. LOOOOVE Tangerine) and the minute I heard the intro to Dwele's album...oh. OH. What is it about good music that just...oh. It just moves your heart! I'm telling you- I was in the car just VIBING. I was gonna keep driving, just because I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the album. Good stuff. And it's been too long since I've heard a gooood album like that. Here goes one of my favorite tracks with another of my fave singers, Raheem DeVaughn:

Girl Talk

Carmen: Was he packin'?
Shara: Umm, I dunno, I think it wa-
Carmen: What color was the condom? Did you get to see the condom?
Shara: Yeah. It was green.
Carmen: Hmph. Eenie Meenie.

Really Carmen? LMAO

Got Caught

So I'm just chatting with Sauce on Fb. I forget how the topic came up and DAMN I wish I can save those chats. Er- scratch that- don't need any proof, lol. But there it was:

so how can i improve my eating technique?

I just answered truthfully. It wasn't until I hit the enter key that I realized... Chelle- you got caught talking shit. MAD SHIT! I am aware that Sauce knows I blog (and occasionally blog about him) because I let him read a post or 2 or 3. However, I was not aware of the frequency of which he visits the blog. I sat in that chair and shook my damn head for about 2 minutes before I said, "Ah eff it. What's done is done." But I over-exaggerated the whole thing because Sauce was ridiculously blase about the whole thing. I guess I'm too used to the guys in my life being such Drama Queens. Seriously. Guess I better slow my roll on the shit talking.

Loves and Likes Ya=> and if you believe that last statement, you're just as crazy as me!

Only One Thing On My Mind...

...and obviously it's sex. Honestly? I can count on one hand how many sex dreams I've had, so it came as a surprise when I had one last night. And with the most randomest (Yes. I am aware that "randomest" isn't a word.) person. My co-worker who's been trying to get with me for the longest. I've always just held him at bay because, well, something just isn't right about him. It's like he's one fry short of a happy meal. On top of that, he's in an on-again/off-again relationship with his pregnant baby momma. Too. Much. Drama. For me.
   The dream was very explicit and very vivid, enough for me to blush when he first came up to me the next day. It was kinda awkward, at least for me. He was still cracking his typical jokes: "Chelle. Why you wanna treat me so bad? Had me outside your window, in the rain, singing love songs in my boxers." SMDH. Why me? Lol. I guess the only answer is to find my release. Guess I'm back on the hunt for a new FB.

Loves and Likes Ya=> but that doesn't mean you get to invade my dreams.

Hotel Hookups

   In the midst of me working like a sharecropper, I looked up and realized...our hotel was CRAWLING with mancandy! I mean- whew! We're talking about my average guest being white married male aged from mid 30's to late 50's. I'm observing the place and seeing guys from mid 20's to mid 30's, looking good from all races. I had to tell the sales manager, "Girl, Chris! Thank you for giving me some mancandy to ogle at the desk. It makes work sooo much better!" That got a good laugh out of her.
   I first noticed this white guy, probably late 20's, early 30's. Nice fit body with a bald head that he kept gleaming. But y'all, I must admit I was a tad bit stumped. Because no matter how nice I was to him or how many flirty smiles I sent his way, he remained somewhat surly. I just chalked it up as a "L" and moved on to this other cute guy, Paul, from NY. Said he's Puerto Rican and Irish. That's the melting pot at it's finest. He made me a drink and after my shift, we sat outside and talked for a good 30 minutes, ending the night with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He's a cutie y'all so excuse me while I Chester Cheese for a bit.
   Moving on...I checked in this tall, lanky young black guy. He was a cutie as well (otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned him- duh!) but tall and lanky ain't my schtik so I passed. That did not stop me from hooking him up with Shara though. Tall T, my nickname for him, is in town for a month and a half for work. And guess who one of his co-workers is? Mr. Clean! You know- the bald-headed surly one. Turns out he's just really shy. Also in the mix is a young white guy who is just so cute in a shaggy kind of way. I just tell him, "You are so adorable! I'm gonna put you in my pocket." We call him The Kid or The Boy.
  Anjail and I just adopted Tall T,  Mr. Clean, and The Kid in our crew and I invited them to hang out with all of us for my birthday. Unfortunately my "boyfriend" Paul went back to NY, but he'll be back next week. And that is how I came to have one of the best birthdays in a loooong time!

Loves and Likes Ya!

Bugging Out At Bankers

   It was a rare Saturday night that I didn't have to work night audit, when Shay invited me and Shara to Bankers. Bankers is a hole in the wall pool hall that turns into something like a club with a live DJ on the weekend. So we were down with it, after all Shara needed a distraction and even though I have my hands full with Malachi and Loon, I was looking to fill up my boo basket. Shara and I get there first and we scope the place out. It was kinda empty so we just sipped and chatted until our motley crew came into the bar. Shara called dibs on this yummy piece of mancandy. Tall, nice brown skin, tall tee (again- we just can't seem to let that trend go) designer jeans, Jordans, and a medallion that looked like it came out of the Cracker Jack box. Never mind the medallion, the guy was sexy. His friends? Eh- not so much.

So Shay's here now with her twin sis Puddy and their brother Keon, and their play cousin Cabbage. Anjail calls me and tells me she's at the ATM and should be there shortly with two of her friends. We were in there hella deep and getting hella DRUNK tipsy. Anjail and I got Shara hella loose. She's in the cut with Cracker Jack Chain (find out later "they" -whoever they are- call him Prince. Excuuuuuse me.) Shay is checking her phone (and mine) every 5 minutes to see if her no good boyfriend called. (so pitiful) Cabbage, Anjail and I are doing our drink and two-step, and Puddy is freaking any and every guy (and some girls) who comes into contact with her. Keon is babysitting us because we are the loudest damn people in the place. When did I start hanging out with "those" girls? You know what I'm talking about. The loudest, most rowdiest girls in the place, that other girls look at with the screwed face?

   Shara's ex saunters in the place and Shara is pissed and shocked at the same time. Pissed because he would always tell her, "I don't go out like that" whenever she tried to get him to go somewhere with her and shocked because "he doesn't go out like that" As far as I'm concerned, it was a win win situation for her. She's always talking about him taking her for granted and blah blah blah. That's because she treats the boy like a safety net and vice versa. With him seeing her out, with the rowdiest girls in the place no less, and with Cracker Jack Chain steady buying her drinks and trying to feel up on her, shows him that she doesn't really need him like that. And actions are always better than words.

   "Should I go over there and act like I'm getting a drink?" She asks me. I gave her the most stankin ass face I could muster. Nothing worse than trying not to look desperate by ACTING desperate. I told her- "Don't go NOWHERE near that damn bar and don't do NOTHING extra to try to get him to look at you. Don't be thirsty."  She didn't listen too well though. It took all her power not to go to the bar but she did proceed to act out more than she normally would. You can lead a horse to water...

   At this point, Puddy is pissy drunk from all the drinks Cracker Jack Chain and his friends were buying us, and she's freaking on top of one of the pool tables. This girl done danced tiny holes in the seam of her tight-fitting Coogi shirt, humped one of Anjail's friends and asked for her number (I told you she was hitting on girls. Tia, Anjail's friend, told Puddy- You ain't gay sweetie, you're just really drunk! lol) , and knocked two different guy's drinks out of their hands. Cabbage is acting like homegirl's parole officer by refusing her anymore drinks or dances and bulldozing her out of the bar. We all meet up and decide to go to the Waffle House where Cracker Jack Chain and crew agreed to pay for all of our food. SUH-WEET. Too bad the Waffle House was standing room only. I decided to pack it on in and go to bed. Can't over-excite myself ya know.

Loves and Likes Ya=> but please don't spill  my drink!

Wrap It Up

Guest: Y'all have condoms here?

Me: Uh- that will be a no. But I do have saran wrap...

GASP! I'm a...MUSIC SNOB?!

 I try not to discriminate when it comes to music, Lord knows my musical tastes have always been a bit questionable. I mean really- how many 12 year old black girls you know that loved to listen to Prince and Aerosmith? But the face I made when my cousin from up north asked why I don't have more Wacka and OJ and Gucci in my iPod? That shit was PRICELESS!

Looking back at it now though, why did I respond the way I did? Is it because even though I get hype off of a little Gucci, in the back of my mind I know that this is straight coon music? And by coon music, I mean music with lyrics that degrade our community and don't contribute with a story. Am I any better just because I have some Common, Malik Yusef, Lupe and Wale in my Pod? You know, Wacka and 'em, somebody is vibing with their music because they're making more money than I am and the radio is playing it in rotation. They're making their music and having their dreams come true, so who am I to shoot them down just because it may not, particularly, be my cup of tea. I'm all for shaking my ass and wanting to start a fight in the club off a song, not mad at it at all. So let me bring my nose down from the clouds.

Loves and Likes Ya => no matter who you listen to

S.O.S. Part II

finally, part II

 We're leaving the gas station and it's obvious this fool, Loon, is drunk. He misjudges his u-turn and proceeds to hop a curb and maim a bush. Then he gets on the highway doing 85. Any bit of buzz I may have had was killed trying to focus on Speed Racer's drunk Asian cousin! After a maze of turns once we exited the highway, we finally turn into this beautiful community of town homes. Parking is pretty nonexistent so we park our cars at the community center and walk to the house. We go in and the first words out of Loon's mouth were,

"We ain't got no drinks or nothing but we can just chill."

Now me and Shara are looking at each other with the "WTF" faces. 

"So how y'all gon' invite us over for drinks when y'all ain't got none?" Shara asks. I co-sign the statement.

 "I'm saying though, we can just chill and whateva." Loon is saying, trying to get us to stay.

At this point, my stomach is feeling a little tight. Idk, it's a nervous thing I get whenever I know I'm going to be alone with a guy. It's been happening to me every since my first date with my first real boyfriend. So somehow we're on this small ass love seat, Shara and Eddie with me on the armrest, and we have the TV on. Loon is trying to get me up to his room. Shara is trying to get me to stay down in the living room. Eddie is trying to shoo me off to Loon so he can be with Shara alone. At this point, I'm just like- EFF IT, whatever happens, happens.
   I go upstairs and I sit on the bed, he follows. And we talk. And when I say we, I mean HE. Obviously he's one of those people who turn into talkers when they get drunk. He'll talk, I'll make a face, he'll get distracted and stop, I'd look at him, and he keeps talking. He's talking in circles. Telling me his life story but at the same time, not going into details- leaving me as lost as Paris Hilton in a Wal-Mart. Finally he takes a break and goes to the bathroom. During this silence I hear Shara fiercely whispering my name up the steps. I get up off the bed and see her halfway leaning up the stairs. She starts to ask me if I'm ready to go yet. I tell her yeah and just give me a little time to say goodbye to this nut. I go back to the room and he's getting out of the bathroom. I tell him I'm about to go and he's looking a little sad. He's making sure that he has my number in his phone (after about 4 failed attempts, he finally saves it under L lashel. Damn shame.) and he's inviting me to come back anytime so we can chill. He's placing sweet little kisses on my neck and on my cheek and I hear the fierce whisper of my name again. I ignore it and right when we go for the kiss on the lips, I hear my name being called again. But this time I stop, because the tone of this voice don't sound too good. Call it that sister intuition, but I knew something wasn't right. So I grab Loon and tell him to walk me to my car. The look on Shara's face is priceless. The look of a pissed-off sistagurl.
   When we get back into the car, Shara begins to relay the events that happened once Loon and I left the living room:

"Once y'all left, he turned into this HORNDOG! He began to rub his hands on my body and I'm like- You need to slow your roll and he's like- I can't help it, you're so sexy. And then he tries to kiss me. But he kisses like a big, slobbery, St. Bernard. I mean Kaycee (our miniature Schnauzer) can kiss better than him. So I'm steady pushing him off me and I get up from the sofa and head to the kitchen to get some air and a glass of water. He follows me to the kitchen and then proceeds to back me up and pick me up and put me on the counter top. And he's at it again. If it was anybody else, I would've been turned on but he's like too pushy and his skills are wack. And worst- he unzipped my pants and tried to eat me out. I'm like- What are you doing?! and he's like- I just gotta taste you. And I say- No you don't. Because I already knew that if he can't kiss my lips, he can't lick MY lips! So I just tell him that I gotta go to the bathroom and then that's when I start whispering your name and asked if you were ready to go. I mean, I didn't know what was going on up there with you two so I didn't want to cut any good times short."

"Girl, the only thing he was doing was telling me his life story like I was watching VH1 Behind the Music or something"

"You're a trip. So then after we talk, I go back to the living room and sit back on the couch and he's acting normal. And in the middle of our conversation, he's trying to stretch me out on the couch and he WHIPS HIS DICK OUT and that's when you heard me call your name again, I was scared that he was so drunk that he was gonna try to take it or something! I guess he realized my fears and got a grip of himself because he started apologizing."

"Wooooooow. I can't believe it! Eddie? Maaan. " PAUSE  "How big was he?"

"Gurrl, it was weak just like him!"

Gotta hear those S.O.S signals!

Loves and Likes Ya