S.O.S

Do I need to make a new label called Thirsty Thursdays? Because Wild Wing Wednesdays ain't even poppin' like that anymore. After I get off of work, Shara and I go to this pool hall called Yellow Rose. Talkin bout some thug nasty, nasty thugs? And some hoodrats? Maaaan.The playoff game was on and everyone was all extra hype after the Lakers won. Call us snobs, but we decided to leave after some local cat was spitting some crazy rhymes. And by crazy I mean crazy dumb. And what's worse? The chorus is stuck in my head:

"What you talkin is irrelavent, keep on talkin and Ima end up at your residence. Aww naww, you done messed up. Dippin in the mustard but you can't ketchup"

   I know right? Damn. So where do we go? Of course. Wild Wing. We sit at the bar and a couple of minutes later this cute dude bumps into the chair next to me. I asked him if he was alright because he was rubbing his chest. And he was like, "Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie, that shit hurts likes a bitch." And we both laugh. Shara is bumping my leg and giving me the green light to continue talking to dude. At first glance I couldn't really guess his nationality. Either Asian or Hispanic, hard to tell because the only accent he had was a northern one.  He nods at my vodka and cranberry and tells me that I should get the bartender to mix it with some pineapple juice, otherwise I'll wake up with a killer headache. I take his advice and it does taste a little smoother. Then he starts to ask why we came so late and I told him about us going to the Yellow Rose after I got off of work. I then ask where he's from and he's thinking I mean what's his nationality. But I tell him - yeah I would like to know your nationality, but I would also like to know if you stayed up north because I hear an accent (and even though I didn't tell him, the way he talks so animatedly with his hands is almost a dead giveaway of being a northerner). Turns out he was born in Vietnam and moved to the US with his aunt when he was 5. They lived in New York for a while then moved to Greensboro NC and finally Charlotte.
    Actually, it wasn't as plain cut as I've just stated. Homeboy almost gave me a full autobiography. He disappears for a minute and I get to turn to Shara where we squeal about how cute he is. I know, I know. We're such girls sometimes! lol. So she's wondering  what's taking me so long to get the number and find out if he has any friends that he can introduce to her. He comes back after a while and try to tab out. I tab out and tell him that we (Shara and I) are gonna sit on the patio and ask if he wants to come to come with. He says he'll join us in a lil bit.
   Much to Shara's delight, he brought a friend along, introduced himself as Eddie, and sits down at the table. It was then that I realized that I didn't even know homeboy's name. Loon. LOON! What kind of crazy name is that? The only thing I kept thinking about was that sexy rapper Loon from Bad Boy. You know..."How you want that? Tell me how you want that, daddy how you wanna give it to me? A bad boy is what I need" I know you remember that! We all chat for a while. It's quite obvious that Loon is faded. He asks me what we're getting into tonight. At this time it's about 2am and I'm thinking to myself, "What am I getting into tonight? Hell, I'm trying to get into my damn bed." It was a hard day at work y'all. But instead I tell him nothing and he invites me to his place for more drinks and just to "chill". I just kinda brushed it off. Maybe 10 minutes later I hear Eddie asking Shara the same thing. She tells him that she rode with me so it's really up to me. Oh Brother. Bathroom break.

Shara: Girl. What are we gonna do?
Me:  I dunno. They seem kinda harmless. What kinda name is Loon?
Shara: A sexy name, just like him. I mean, I do kinda want to go, ain't like I got anything else to do.
Me: What was up with Eddie studying your feet like a damn science project?
Shara: I know right? I knew you were kidding when you said it, but I think he DOES have a foot fetish. Girl. That man is 34 years old. Did Looney Tunes tell you how old HE was?
Me: Right. Along with his social security number and blood type. NO. He was all like "age ain't nothin but a number." Hell, he's probably 45 girl!
Shara: So we're going?
Me: What the hell. You got notches?
Shara: It's fully charged girl.
Me: Alright then.

   We all rendezvous at the gas station. Shara and I are still in my car, Loon goes inside the store. Eddie goes inside the store. Minutes are going by and we're trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Me: Maybe they're getting more drinks or something?
Shara: Yeah. Or maybe they're getting condoms.

Eddie leaves the store with nothing in his hand. Loon leaves the store with a bag of pork rinds.

Me and Shara: They got condoms.

This post is seeming long as hell y'all! And there's still more to the story. I'll conclude it tomorrow.

Loves and Likes Ya

Boy I Tell Ya...

You just don't find good ol' fashioned ignorance like this anymore!

Me: I just need to see your ID and method of payment please.
Guest: There you go again with that. You know if you guys keep asking me that, I'm gonna have to find somewhere else to stay. (I give a polite chuckle) I'm serious. Asking for ID and credit cards leads to identity theft.
Me: Well I guess you're gonna have to find someplace else to stay because that's corporate policy.
Guest: Well is there a comment card I can fill out? Management really needs to do something about that.
Me: The comment card is in your room, but honestly filling it out will do no good. It is a corporate policy to verify identification with credit cards.
Guest: You know, the Nazis had a policy of exterminating Jews but that doesn't make it right.
Me: I'm not sure how you can compare the two. Our policy is to help PREVENT identity theft by verifying that the person in front of me and the name and picture on the ID matches the information on the credit card. I've had many guests actually thank me for asking  for their ID because identity theft has happened to them before. Which may be the same reason why many people write "See ID" on the back of their credit cards. I know it would give me a sense of security to have someone verify my information.
Guest: I'll have to give it you, you sure do know how to argue a point well.

Sorry. Normally I'm not so combative with my guests. Usually a guest would say something like that and it rolls off my shoulders like- Yeah, Whateva- but he caught me on the wrong day. And even though I told him that, you can visually TELL that it was like talking to a brick wall. Case in point: The next day I came into work, I saw the comment card. "Drop so-called need to verify photo identity at check-in. Leads to identity theft." For his last name to be Wright, he sho is WRONG!

Trouble, TROUBLE

   So it's Thursday and Joyce and Carmen and I wanted to get some drinks after work. Wild Wing here we come. $2 vodka drinks? Say word! Carmen gets the first two rounds and we take it outside to the patio, choosing to sit at a table with a black couple. Carmen is talking to the guy because the guy recognizes her and by default, recognizes me as well. Chile, I couldn't place his face to save my life but as he describes what happened that night of the initial meeting, I'm putting the pieces together. I laughed my ass off remembering how toasted Carmen was and how she violated his poor cousin. My good ol' buddy Antoine comes outside and sits down beside me, lighting up his cigarette and putting his beer down on the table. We exchanged pleasantries and I go to the bar to buy the next round of drinks. When I come back, Carmen is talking to the girl about how she just found out she has cervical cancer and her impending surgery. Yeah. Carmen has cancer, but luckily she caught it during the early stages so all she needs is a quick surgery. Thank God for small favors. Anyways, Carmen has everyone at the table in stitches as she talks about her dysfunctional relationship with her man. Girl is crazy y'all! She talks straight up shit to that man and he puts up with it. She's not as bad as Ms. Crazy with it though, but she still got him in check. So on the subject of men, Antoine asks me if I heard from D. I told him yeah- WAIT! Did I tell y'all though? Lemme check real quick...Nope. Sure didn't.
Well one night D called me while I was at work reading a good book at a good part. So he's talking but I'm not picking up on the voice, trying to figure out which guest this is and what the hell they want. I couldn't hide it anymore though so I was just like- "I'm sorry, who is this?" and in typical dramatic D fashion he says, "Well damn. I guess it's a good thing I didn't call you in an emergency, I would've been dead!" I knew who it was then and I'm 85% sure he heard my eyes roll to the back of my head. He started asking questions and I deaded them pretty quickly so he told me to write down his number and call him later. Right. THAT didn't happen. First of all, I told him repeatedly how much I hate getting personal phone calls on my work line, so that just annoyed the hell out of me. Second of all, you know- when it's over, it's over. And maybe we can be good friends like Sauce and I but I just don't see that happening. D is the kind of guy who gets attached easily and I don't need him getting any mixed signals.
   Antoine is clearly amused by this story and says something to the effect of everything has their season. I ask him how his family is doing and he proceeds to show me pics of his two adorable children. Time really does fly, because I remember them being so young but now they're developing personalities, it's really cute to see how much pride he shows with all the pics in the wallet. But at the same time- he's sending me these looks that are sending signals straight to Lola. It didn't help that the table conversation got turned to sex somehow. I think Carmen was talking about how she refuses to give her man head and she doesn't want him doing that to her either. Of course everyone is weighing in on the subject. Next thing you know the guys are talking about their oral skills and positions. Antoine turns to me asks if D was hitting it right. I answered truthfully and he just kinda looked at me and nodded his head. Then he said something like he can get me loose and he's looking at me again. I just kinda look back at him. Carmen notices the private conversation and she tells us that we look like a cute couple. I choose that moment to get up to go to the bathroom. Joyce hands me some money so I can get another round of drinks for us.
   When I come back to the table, Antoine is telling Carmen how me and him "get it in" all the time. Carmen is just looking all bug-eyed and slack-jawed, saying "Nuh-Unh" and "Oooh". And he starts to describe in detail everything we do. At this point, it's just messing with me because the most contact we've ever had was one of those "church hugs" you know- one arm, no real body contact. But I know what he's doing. He's trying to get me to imagine how it WOULD be if I were to get with him. He's winning for a minute but after Carmen lets out a long "oooooh" I squash it by telling her how we know each other. Of course she knows who D is, everyone at my damn job knew him and when I tell her how pretty his wife and kids are, she has to see the pics. She's Black and Puerto Rican but Carmen says she looks more Dominican than anything. Then the two of them start talking about Spanish foods and I felt like the conversation was finally on safe ground.
   I was losing my damn mind out there. I mean, I can't deny that there has always been an attraction between the two of us since D first introduced us, but I knew that was his boy. And he's married. AND his chick can really scrap. I'm sure when it comes down to the nitty gritty I can hold my own, but I don't want to test that out anytime soon. But still...it's nearing the end of the night and we exchange numbers. He's asking if I was okay to drive because I was in straight chill mode, but I told him I was good and he said he hoped so. That was definitely a double entendre. So we're all in the parking lot and he's giving me instructions- I think for when to call him- and how I BETTER call him. I'm not even gonna lie, I was toying with the idea for sure. I mean, damn. Just Damn.
   After passing out once I got home, I woke up and erased his number from my contact list. I don't need that trouble. I may want it A LITTLE a lot, but I don't need it.

Loves and Likes Ya!

Ultimate Teamwork FAIL

We've talked about my views on marriage. Just call me the eternal bachelorette until I find a guy who can make me change my mind. What about my parent's marriage? My mom and dad married when I was 3 or 4 and was divorced by the time I turned 6. They were young and dumb though. Mom being 17 when she had me, stuck in the most suburban town in Jersey, while dad was 18 and traveling with his band. My mom's next husband looked like a broke down version of Spike Lee. He had a jacked up ass attitude- like he didn't know that he looked a hot mess- and their relationship pretty much isolated my mom from the rest of the family. My mom's husband now- well you remember Lamont? She's realizing that she jumped into marriage prematurely and now she's just biding her time until she gets herself together.

My dad is married to a tyrant of a woman with a mixture of various personality disorders (unfortunately they are all undiagnosed but I bet dollars to donuts that one of them is bi-polar) that are all held hostage in a five foot two frame. Grandma Emilie calls her psycho and unstable, and that's saying a lot from a woman who gets along with EVERYBODY. Honestly, she's always been off to me since the first time I met her and she was yelling at her daughter, Shara, for not knowing where the scissors were. Yea. That kinda set the tone for the whole relationship. She's always yelling, like she doesn't know how else to express her feelings. She's one of those people who just get so excitable and feels as if she HAS to yell just to be heard.  My dad is an extremely laid-back and friendly person. As a matter of fact, the first time I ever heard him raise his voice was when he began his relationship with that crazy woman. You know what? Let's just call her Ms. Crazy from now on, because I like the way that sounds.

Somewhere along the line of this extremely dysfunctional relationship, she became more domineering and he became more dormant. Excuse the dramatics, but the guy I once knew with the confident swagger and vibrant attitude became more aloof and as a true daddy's girl, I can tell he was unsatisfied with his life. I mean, wouldn't you be as well when you're stuck working a job where you're constantly overlooked for promotion, while your wife is at home spending your money? Shit, I'll be pissed the hell off. Ike Turner. Isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership? A balance of give and take and always having each other's backs? Hunh. This team sucks ass. Lol. The man is working overtime 5 days a week and on the weekend he's supposed to...do everything that you should've been doing while you were at home? And what are you doing while you're at home? Are you cooking his dinner? Making his lunch? Trying to make your household a peaceful haven for him once he gets off work? No. You're half-assing dinner, talking down to him and not understanding why he's so tired when all he does is "sit down and answer phones all day" SMH. That sounds like a team of ME and not WE.

Enough with the background, this is what happened. When the family first moved into this house, they couldn't afford it. Like I said, she didn't have a job (which is confusing in itself because she had two of them bitches when the relationship first started, a sister girl gets a ring on her finger and all of a sudden it's "I'm not cut out for the work force. I need to be my own boss. Blah Blah Blah" Obviously she's the only one who doesn't seem to know that we're in a recession.) so they borrowed $1100 from me and $1300 from Shara and some more money from Grandma Emilie and some money from Ms. Crazy's aunt. Come to find out, the house had a sub-prime mortgage and thanks to Trina, I learned a little real estate lesson about mortgages and payments and somewhere along the line, the mortgage wasn't getting paid. I started noticing those threatening letters in the mail pile and Shara and I talked about it but we never thought it was serious since the parents didn't say anything to us. They were going around spending money like it was going out of style and going on trips with the church, so really it wasn't anything alarming. I knew they were actively seeking help with programs and the like so imagine my surprise when Ms. Crazy knocks on my bedroom door and says,

"Do you have someone you can stay with for a while? We lost the house."

It's still kinda early and everyone knows Chelle isn't much of a morning person, so my reaction was, "Yeah, I'm sure I can find somewhere." She goes on to say that we may not have a lot of time to pack so I should start rightaway and by the way, I should pray for my dad to become a "stronger man because his family shouldn't have to go through this"

WOW.

Did this chick just say.....??? What I THINK she said?!! Yeah, I'll pray for my dad to be a stronger man so he can tell her to get off her lazy, crazy ass and get a job! An hour or two later, Shara comes up to my room and of course she's telling me everything that her crazy mama is saying and how the drama unfolded. She tells me that when Ms. Crazy came back downstairs she told Shara that I must've thought she was playing because of my nonchalant reaction. I told Shara what Ms. Crazy said about me praying for my dad and Shara's shaking her head in disbelief.

Why try to place blame when they're both at fault? Dad for not standing up and telling his family that he needed help. And that's what hurts the most with all this. Shara and I are both employed and mature enough to know that things happen. Was it his pride that got in the way of asking us for help? Or did he believe that since his wife expected everything to be handed to her- we'll be the same way? It hurts y'all, if he did think that. And what about her, Ms. Crazy? She said she would always remind him to call the people with those house saving programs but he'll always say he will but won't and she couldn't talk to the people herself since her name wasn't on the mortgage. THAT'S her excuse? REALLY?!? If you saw that you were about to lose your house, would you accept that? I wouldn't! Instead of  making my hubby drive me around Charlotte and Gastonia to look for shoes and clothes to wear to church (0_o) I would gather up all the paperwork, dial the number, and hand that phone and paperwork to my husband so he can handle that business. I wouldn't have been asking for sponsored trips to Hilton Head and Charleston (Yes those were two separate events) and if I was him- I would've told her ass to stay home instead of spending money that they didn't have! Simple.

Luckily the housing issues were worked out and we have a nice house that we're renting. It was kinda sad to say goodbye to the house though, but things happen for a reason. I'm a firm believer of that notion. This event was the ultimate teamwork FAIL. Ballhogging, travelling, incomplete plays, fouls, the whole nine.  Hopefully they can learn from this experience. Either learn how to operate more as a team, or learn that this team may not be for them.

What Do You Do...???

So, we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses. And y'all, I'm talking about sexually. My strength? Definitely giving head. Weakness? Riding. I admit it, I can get a lil lazy after a while. And while I can still count my number of sexual partners on one hand- wait a minute while I verify the validity of the statement...WHEW! Barely made it! lol- I can remember their specific strengths and weaknesses. C: With him being my first, all I remember thinking was how big it was. His strength? Giving emotional support after popping the cherry. His weakness? Hot ass breath! lol. I just remember it being hot on the back of my neck for like- no reason! Lemme stop y'all. Ok, next- Wright. I can still swoon about the night he seduced me because it played out like the perfect romantic movie. Thunderstorm- check. Home cooked meal- check. Movie- check. Slow, lingering kisses- check. Slow sexy music and candles- check. Removing my belt buckle with his teeth- HOT DAMN! Strength: His moves, more moves than Chris Brown in his "Take You Down" video. Weakness: He only focused on HIS pleasure. Then there was D, whose strength was eating like he hasn't been fed in YEARS! Whoooo. *My legs just turned into jelly reminiscing* But his weakness was his insecurity, always wanting to know how he did like he's at the Olympics waiting for a scorecard. Chile, PUHLEEZE. Sauce is a savage and that's his strength. I guess it's because from the get-go we knew that we weren't there to "make love" bump that. We were just straight up F*CKIN and he behaved in that manner. LOVE IT, although the fact that I do love it makes me a bit worried that I may be a bit turned on by S&M???  And even though I love the roughness he applies with every stroke, I do NOT appreciate that roughness when he begins to sample the goods. *And now my legs just clinched together in memory* I mean, I appreciate his enthusiasm because it's always good to see a guy who enjoys licking the plate, but dammit if he ain't tryin to bite the plate too! It almost feels like a female circumcision or something. With Malachi it's a little too soon to tell what his strength or weakness may be but something tells me I'm gonna have fun finding out! I mean, the outside thing was exciting and thrilling enough really.

Honestly, the purpose of this post is this: What do you do when your sexual partner doesn't know their weakness? Do you tell them or do you be evasive whenever the subject comes up? Sis and I were debating this earlier tonight when I was telling her about Sauce. So of course we came up with a little list of techniques I can use if need be:

Me: Keep his mouth occupied with other things-=> naughty wink

Sis: Play dead=> Said because the clenching of the thighs and the faces made can be misconstrued for pleasure instead of terror

Me: Pop his head whenever it begins to wander down to the treasure box=> I reckon if you do it enough, it'll be like a Pavlov effect. Ya smack him enough and he'll won't be able to go down without flashbacks

Sis: Feed him so he won't be hungry => And by this she means real food! Girl loves food. Lol

Me: Tell him, "Look- I know they say Pain is Pleasure but DAMMIT do you have to tear my shits out? Is you THAT hungry baby?" 

And we busted out in a fit of giggles.

Loves and Likes Ya! =>No matter what your strengths and weaknesses may be!