Celebration and A Tragedy PT I

     Carmen celebrated her last day of radiation therapy Thursday before last with a shindig at The Sandtrap. She did it up with a long jet black wig, silver lipstick to match her silver shirt and shoes, and a mole colored on the upper left side of her lip. Me, Shara, David, Jamie, Dre, and Carmen's man Bruchon were all there helping her celebrate with rounds of Apple Pie shots and playing pool and darts. After 2 shots of Apple Pie and 3 shots of Pixie Stixx, I summoned up enough courage to do karaoke to Naughty Girl by Beyonce and dedicate the performance to Carmen. We all had fun. Shara and I with our seemingly never ending game of pool (since neither one of us can be qualified as pool sharks, we were ridiculousy taunted by the others saying, "is this STILL the same game?") Carmen, Dre, David and Jamie were playing darts, and Bruchon stayed mute while watching the game on the big screen.
     We took the festivities outside and tried to play cornhole. That game is SOOO not the business. But I know I'm biased since I can't play the game worth-a-shit. We went back inside to dance to some of the music from the funky fresh DJ and encourage the other people doing karaoke. I went back up to the stage for round 2, dragging Shara with me so she can accompany. I told the overweight, bald, biker looking, white guy that I wanted to sing Fergalicious. He rolls his eyes and say, "OmiGOD!" "What?" I ask him, thinking that he was making fun of my selection. "That's only my most FAVORITE song!" He exclaimed. I still thought he was making fun of me, until the beat came on and he transformed into Will.I.Am.  TOO. FUNNY. He was rocking it y'all! We all danced, and danced, and DANCED! I woke up the next morning, thighs feeling stronger than a mug- heels are so not the business. I say the funniest part of the night was when Carmen was backing it up on Jamie. Somehow Jamie lost his balance, going down to the ground with Carmen following. Do you know this chick had a beer bottle in each hand and didn't spill a single sip as she proceeded to fall on her ass. ONE BEER BOTTLE IN EACH HAND and she DID NOT spill a SINGLE SIP! We had a great time for sure. I would've never guessed that the very next week, we would be crying instead of dancing...

SMH

You know what? Reading some of my past posts? LMFAO! Helps me realize just how CRAZY I am! I mean, I now understand why some most of my friends say that I have no sense. Because I don't! And moving on...

So, it's a Thursday night and I'm back at the ol' watering hole. Feeling good off a vodka/cranberry/orange juice and one malibu and coke. From across the bar a guy winks at me and motions to buy me a drink. I nod my head yes (because who in their right mind will turn down a free drink?) and he makes his way to the empty seat beside me. Sitting down, he introduces himself to me as Steve, and shakes my hand. I tell him my real name (lol) and we talk some.

Steve: So is your boyfriend a big man?
Me: Yeah. He's 7'4" and 400 lbs.
Steve:Well, it was nice talking to ya. (gets up and leave)

I admit, that threw me off guard. He's just gonna LEAVE? I don't even HAVE a boyfriend! I chuckled to myself and finished drinking my free malibu and coke. Steve catches my eye again and makes a "come hither" motion with his hands. I shake my head no just as Mr. Married Man came up to me. Me and him (MMM) walked outside for a bit so he can smoke his ciggie and we can catch up. Things weren't awkward, which was good. He asked where Carmen was and told me he saw her at the train station with her man. Then he asked how I was doing, because apparently it looks like I'm going through it?

MMM: So what's up Chelle? You lookin kinda...
Me: Well damn, and here I was thinking I looked kinda cute. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily kick myself out of the bed.
MMM (laughs then takes a drag): Nah ma, you know you're sexy as hell. I'm lookin in your eyes though. I know it ain't men problems. (I give him the- "NOW YOU KNOW" look) 99 problems but a nigga ain't one, hunh?
Me: Exactly.

MMM's phone goes off and I go back inside before any plans can be made. Steve is still at the bar and nodding his head at me. I tab out and make my way towards him.

Steve: Your boyfriend won't get jealous that I'm talking to you, will he?
Me: Yes.
Steve: Let him get jealous. I know dude ain't hittin it right anyway. How old are you?
Me: 24. How old are you?
Steve: Old enough. (let that be read as over 30 definitely)
Me: I don't have a boyfriend
Steve: You ain't got no boyfriend? (I shake my head no) Well I know you got boy toys then
Me: And what makes you think that?
Steve: Cuz I know. (He gives me a long lingering look) But after we hook up, you can't be stalking me. I got a job and shit.
Me: Is that right?
Steve: Girl don't you know? I'm a Scorpio. You know what that means?
Me: No. Please enlighten me (of course I know. Scorpi-HO)
Steve: That means I'm a FREAK. I'll lick you EVERYWHERE. Girl, I'll lick your EYEBROWS....TWICE!
(Sorry, tried to hold it, but exploded with a loud laugh that caught everyone at the bar's attention) And I love to eat pussy. These young guys out here (he has to be at least 10 yrs older than me with that statement) do it because they feel they have to. I do it because I love it. Choke me with your thighs. Smother me until I can't breathe. Let me up for air for 5 seconds then push my head back down. I love that shit.

Have I mentioned that I've been drinking?! Numbers where exchanged.

Loves and Likes Ya!

S.O.S. Part II

finally, part II

 We're leaving the gas station and it's obvious this fool, Loon, is drunk. He misjudges his u-turn and proceeds to hop a curb and maim a bush. Then he gets on the highway doing 85. Any bit of buzz I may have had was killed trying to focus on Speed Racer's drunk Asian cousin! After a maze of turns once we exited the highway, we finally turn into this beautiful community of town homes. Parking is pretty nonexistent so we park our cars at the community center and walk to the house. We go in and the first words out of Loon's mouth were,

"We ain't got no drinks or nothing but we can just chill."

Now me and Shara are looking at each other with the "WTF" faces. 

"So how y'all gon' invite us over for drinks when y'all ain't got none?" Shara asks. I co-sign the statement.

 "I'm saying though, we can just chill and whateva." Loon is saying, trying to get us to stay.

At this point, my stomach is feeling a little tight. Idk, it's a nervous thing I get whenever I know I'm going to be alone with a guy. It's been happening to me every since my first date with my first real boyfriend. So somehow we're on this small ass love seat, Shara and Eddie with me on the armrest, and we have the TV on. Loon is trying to get me up to his room. Shara is trying to get me to stay down in the living room. Eddie is trying to shoo me off to Loon so he can be with Shara alone. At this point, I'm just like- EFF IT, whatever happens, happens.
   I go upstairs and I sit on the bed, he follows. And we talk. And when I say we, I mean HE. Obviously he's one of those people who turn into talkers when they get drunk. He'll talk, I'll make a face, he'll get distracted and stop, I'd look at him, and he keeps talking. He's talking in circles. Telling me his life story but at the same time, not going into details- leaving me as lost as Paris Hilton in a Wal-Mart. Finally he takes a break and goes to the bathroom. During this silence I hear Shara fiercely whispering my name up the steps. I get up off the bed and see her halfway leaning up the stairs. She starts to ask me if I'm ready to go yet. I tell her yeah and just give me a little time to say goodbye to this nut. I go back to the room and he's getting out of the bathroom. I tell him I'm about to go and he's looking a little sad. He's making sure that he has my number in his phone (after about 4 failed attempts, he finally saves it under L lashel. Damn shame.) and he's inviting me to come back anytime so we can chill. He's placing sweet little kisses on my neck and on my cheek and I hear the fierce whisper of my name again. I ignore it and right when we go for the kiss on the lips, I hear my name being called again. But this time I stop, because the tone of this voice don't sound too good. Call it that sister intuition, but I knew something wasn't right. So I grab Loon and tell him to walk me to my car. The look on Shara's face is priceless. The look of a pissed-off sistagurl.
   When we get back into the car, Shara begins to relay the events that happened once Loon and I left the living room:

"Once y'all left, he turned into this HORNDOG! He began to rub his hands on my body and I'm like- You need to slow your roll and he's like- I can't help it, you're so sexy. And then he tries to kiss me. But he kisses like a big, slobbery, St. Bernard. I mean Kaycee (our miniature Schnauzer) can kiss better than him. So I'm steady pushing him off me and I get up from the sofa and head to the kitchen to get some air and a glass of water. He follows me to the kitchen and then proceeds to back me up and pick me up and put me on the counter top. And he's at it again. If it was anybody else, I would've been turned on but he's like too pushy and his skills are wack. And worst- he unzipped my pants and tried to eat me out. I'm like- What are you doing?! and he's like- I just gotta taste you. And I say- No you don't. Because I already knew that if he can't kiss my lips, he can't lick MY lips! So I just tell him that I gotta go to the bathroom and then that's when I start whispering your name and asked if you were ready to go. I mean, I didn't know what was going on up there with you two so I didn't want to cut any good times short."

"Girl, the only thing he was doing was telling me his life story like I was watching VH1 Behind the Music or something"

"You're a trip. So then after we talk, I go back to the living room and sit back on the couch and he's acting normal. And in the middle of our conversation, he's trying to stretch me out on the couch and he WHIPS HIS DICK OUT and that's when you heard me call your name again, I was scared that he was so drunk that he was gonna try to take it or something! I guess he realized my fears and got a grip of himself because he started apologizing."

"Wooooooow. I can't believe it! Eddie? Maaan. " PAUSE  "How big was he?"

"Gurrl, it was weak just like him!"

Gotta hear those S.O.S signals!

Loves and Likes Ya

S.O.S

Do I need to make a new label called Thirsty Thursdays? Because Wild Wing Wednesdays ain't even poppin' like that anymore. After I get off of work, Shara and I go to this pool hall called Yellow Rose. Talkin bout some thug nasty, nasty thugs? And some hoodrats? Maaaan.The playoff game was on and everyone was all extra hype after the Lakers won. Call us snobs, but we decided to leave after some local cat was spitting some crazy rhymes. And by crazy I mean crazy dumb. And what's worse? The chorus is stuck in my head:

"What you talkin is irrelavent, keep on talkin and Ima end up at your residence. Aww naww, you done messed up. Dippin in the mustard but you can't ketchup"

   I know right? Damn. So where do we go? Of course. Wild Wing. We sit at the bar and a couple of minutes later this cute dude bumps into the chair next to me. I asked him if he was alright because he was rubbing his chest. And he was like, "Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie, that shit hurts likes a bitch." And we both laugh. Shara is bumping my leg and giving me the green light to continue talking to dude. At first glance I couldn't really guess his nationality. Either Asian or Hispanic, hard to tell because the only accent he had was a northern one.  He nods at my vodka and cranberry and tells me that I should get the bartender to mix it with some pineapple juice, otherwise I'll wake up with a killer headache. I take his advice and it does taste a little smoother. Then he starts to ask why we came so late and I told him about us going to the Yellow Rose after I got off of work. I then ask where he's from and he's thinking I mean what's his nationality. But I tell him - yeah I would like to know your nationality, but I would also like to know if you stayed up north because I hear an accent (and even though I didn't tell him, the way he talks so animatedly with his hands is almost a dead giveaway of being a northerner). Turns out he was born in Vietnam and moved to the US with his aunt when he was 5. They lived in New York for a while then moved to Greensboro NC and finally Charlotte.
    Actually, it wasn't as plain cut as I've just stated. Homeboy almost gave me a full autobiography. He disappears for a minute and I get to turn to Shara where we squeal about how cute he is. I know, I know. We're such girls sometimes! lol. So she's wondering  what's taking me so long to get the number and find out if he has any friends that he can introduce to her. He comes back after a while and try to tab out. I tab out and tell him that we (Shara and I) are gonna sit on the patio and ask if he wants to come to come with. He says he'll join us in a lil bit.
   Much to Shara's delight, he brought a friend along, introduced himself as Eddie, and sits down at the table. It was then that I realized that I didn't even know homeboy's name. Loon. LOON! What kind of crazy name is that? The only thing I kept thinking about was that sexy rapper Loon from Bad Boy. You know..."How you want that? Tell me how you want that, daddy how you wanna give it to me? A bad boy is what I need" I know you remember that! We all chat for a while. It's quite obvious that Loon is faded. He asks me what we're getting into tonight. At this time it's about 2am and I'm thinking to myself, "What am I getting into tonight? Hell, I'm trying to get into my damn bed." It was a hard day at work y'all. But instead I tell him nothing and he invites me to his place for more drinks and just to "chill". I just kinda brushed it off. Maybe 10 minutes later I hear Eddie asking Shara the same thing. She tells him that she rode with me so it's really up to me. Oh Brother. Bathroom break.

Shara: Girl. What are we gonna do?
Me:  I dunno. They seem kinda harmless. What kinda name is Loon?
Shara: A sexy name, just like him. I mean, I do kinda want to go, ain't like I got anything else to do.
Me: What was up with Eddie studying your feet like a damn science project?
Shara: I know right? I knew you were kidding when you said it, but I think he DOES have a foot fetish. Girl. That man is 34 years old. Did Looney Tunes tell you how old HE was?
Me: Right. Along with his social security number and blood type. NO. He was all like "age ain't nothin but a number." Hell, he's probably 45 girl!
Shara: So we're going?
Me: What the hell. You got notches?
Shara: It's fully charged girl.
Me: Alright then.

   We all rendezvous at the gas station. Shara and I are still in my car, Loon goes inside the store. Eddie goes inside the store. Minutes are going by and we're trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Me: Maybe they're getting more drinks or something?
Shara: Yeah. Or maybe they're getting condoms.

Eddie leaves the store with nothing in his hand. Loon leaves the store with a bag of pork rinds.

Me and Shara: They got condoms.

This post is seeming long as hell y'all! And there's still more to the story. I'll conclude it tomorrow.

Loves and Likes Ya