"Na Na Na- Come on na Annie Mae"

Shara: I don't know why I even try to lie. He saw right through my shit. Now he's catchin an attitude
Me: Uh-oh. He tryna Ike you? Na na na come on na Annie Mae, you ain't sangin it right na."
Shara: You ain't right at all girl
Me: They call it Nutbush!
(break into hysterical laughter)

S.O.S. Part II

finally, part II

 We're leaving the gas station and it's obvious this fool, Loon, is drunk. He misjudges his u-turn and proceeds to hop a curb and maim a bush. Then he gets on the highway doing 85. Any bit of buzz I may have had was killed trying to focus on Speed Racer's drunk Asian cousin! After a maze of turns once we exited the highway, we finally turn into this beautiful community of town homes. Parking is pretty nonexistent so we park our cars at the community center and walk to the house. We go in and the first words out of Loon's mouth were,

"We ain't got no drinks or nothing but we can just chill."

Now me and Shara are looking at each other with the "WTF" faces. 

"So how y'all gon' invite us over for drinks when y'all ain't got none?" Shara asks. I co-sign the statement.

 "I'm saying though, we can just chill and whateva." Loon is saying, trying to get us to stay.

At this point, my stomach is feeling a little tight. Idk, it's a nervous thing I get whenever I know I'm going to be alone with a guy. It's been happening to me every since my first date with my first real boyfriend. So somehow we're on this small ass love seat, Shara and Eddie with me on the armrest, and we have the TV on. Loon is trying to get me up to his room. Shara is trying to get me to stay down in the living room. Eddie is trying to shoo me off to Loon so he can be with Shara alone. At this point, I'm just like- EFF IT, whatever happens, happens.
   I go upstairs and I sit on the bed, he follows. And we talk. And when I say we, I mean HE. Obviously he's one of those people who turn into talkers when they get drunk. He'll talk, I'll make a face, he'll get distracted and stop, I'd look at him, and he keeps talking. He's talking in circles. Telling me his life story but at the same time, not going into details- leaving me as lost as Paris Hilton in a Wal-Mart. Finally he takes a break and goes to the bathroom. During this silence I hear Shara fiercely whispering my name up the steps. I get up off the bed and see her halfway leaning up the stairs. She starts to ask me if I'm ready to go yet. I tell her yeah and just give me a little time to say goodbye to this nut. I go back to the room and he's getting out of the bathroom. I tell him I'm about to go and he's looking a little sad. He's making sure that he has my number in his phone (after about 4 failed attempts, he finally saves it under L lashel. Damn shame.) and he's inviting me to come back anytime so we can chill. He's placing sweet little kisses on my neck and on my cheek and I hear the fierce whisper of my name again. I ignore it and right when we go for the kiss on the lips, I hear my name being called again. But this time I stop, because the tone of this voice don't sound too good. Call it that sister intuition, but I knew something wasn't right. So I grab Loon and tell him to walk me to my car. The look on Shara's face is priceless. The look of a pissed-off sistagurl.
   When we get back into the car, Shara begins to relay the events that happened once Loon and I left the living room:

"Once y'all left, he turned into this HORNDOG! He began to rub his hands on my body and I'm like- You need to slow your roll and he's like- I can't help it, you're so sexy. And then he tries to kiss me. But he kisses like a big, slobbery, St. Bernard. I mean Kaycee (our miniature Schnauzer) can kiss better than him. So I'm steady pushing him off me and I get up from the sofa and head to the kitchen to get some air and a glass of water. He follows me to the kitchen and then proceeds to back me up and pick me up and put me on the counter top. And he's at it again. If it was anybody else, I would've been turned on but he's like too pushy and his skills are wack. And worst- he unzipped my pants and tried to eat me out. I'm like- What are you doing?! and he's like- I just gotta taste you. And I say- No you don't. Because I already knew that if he can't kiss my lips, he can't lick MY lips! So I just tell him that I gotta go to the bathroom and then that's when I start whispering your name and asked if you were ready to go. I mean, I didn't know what was going on up there with you two so I didn't want to cut any good times short."

"Girl, the only thing he was doing was telling me his life story like I was watching VH1 Behind the Music or something"

"You're a trip. So then after we talk, I go back to the living room and sit back on the couch and he's acting normal. And in the middle of our conversation, he's trying to stretch me out on the couch and he WHIPS HIS DICK OUT and that's when you heard me call your name again, I was scared that he was so drunk that he was gonna try to take it or something! I guess he realized my fears and got a grip of himself because he started apologizing."

"Wooooooow. I can't believe it! Eddie? Maaan. " PAUSE  "How big was he?"

"Gurrl, it was weak just like him!"

Gotta hear those S.O.S signals!

Loves and Likes Ya

S.O.S

Do I need to make a new label called Thirsty Thursdays? Because Wild Wing Wednesdays ain't even poppin' like that anymore. After I get off of work, Shara and I go to this pool hall called Yellow Rose. Talkin bout some thug nasty, nasty thugs? And some hoodrats? Maaaan.The playoff game was on and everyone was all extra hype after the Lakers won. Call us snobs, but we decided to leave after some local cat was spitting some crazy rhymes. And by crazy I mean crazy dumb. And what's worse? The chorus is stuck in my head:

"What you talkin is irrelavent, keep on talkin and Ima end up at your residence. Aww naww, you done messed up. Dippin in the mustard but you can't ketchup"

   I know right? Damn. So where do we go? Of course. Wild Wing. We sit at the bar and a couple of minutes later this cute dude bumps into the chair next to me. I asked him if he was alright because he was rubbing his chest. And he was like, "Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie, that shit hurts likes a bitch." And we both laugh. Shara is bumping my leg and giving me the green light to continue talking to dude. At first glance I couldn't really guess his nationality. Either Asian or Hispanic, hard to tell because the only accent he had was a northern one.  He nods at my vodka and cranberry and tells me that I should get the bartender to mix it with some pineapple juice, otherwise I'll wake up with a killer headache. I take his advice and it does taste a little smoother. Then he starts to ask why we came so late and I told him about us going to the Yellow Rose after I got off of work. I then ask where he's from and he's thinking I mean what's his nationality. But I tell him - yeah I would like to know your nationality, but I would also like to know if you stayed up north because I hear an accent (and even though I didn't tell him, the way he talks so animatedly with his hands is almost a dead giveaway of being a northerner). Turns out he was born in Vietnam and moved to the US with his aunt when he was 5. They lived in New York for a while then moved to Greensboro NC and finally Charlotte.
    Actually, it wasn't as plain cut as I've just stated. Homeboy almost gave me a full autobiography. He disappears for a minute and I get to turn to Shara where we squeal about how cute he is. I know, I know. We're such girls sometimes! lol. So she's wondering  what's taking me so long to get the number and find out if he has any friends that he can introduce to her. He comes back after a while and try to tab out. I tab out and tell him that we (Shara and I) are gonna sit on the patio and ask if he wants to come to come with. He says he'll join us in a lil bit.
   Much to Shara's delight, he brought a friend along, introduced himself as Eddie, and sits down at the table. It was then that I realized that I didn't even know homeboy's name. Loon. LOON! What kind of crazy name is that? The only thing I kept thinking about was that sexy rapper Loon from Bad Boy. You know..."How you want that? Tell me how you want that, daddy how you wanna give it to me? A bad boy is what I need" I know you remember that! We all chat for a while. It's quite obvious that Loon is faded. He asks me what we're getting into tonight. At this time it's about 2am and I'm thinking to myself, "What am I getting into tonight? Hell, I'm trying to get into my damn bed." It was a hard day at work y'all. But instead I tell him nothing and he invites me to his place for more drinks and just to "chill". I just kinda brushed it off. Maybe 10 minutes later I hear Eddie asking Shara the same thing. She tells him that she rode with me so it's really up to me. Oh Brother. Bathroom break.

Shara: Girl. What are we gonna do?
Me:  I dunno. They seem kinda harmless. What kinda name is Loon?
Shara: A sexy name, just like him. I mean, I do kinda want to go, ain't like I got anything else to do.
Me: What was up with Eddie studying your feet like a damn science project?
Shara: I know right? I knew you were kidding when you said it, but I think he DOES have a foot fetish. Girl. That man is 34 years old. Did Looney Tunes tell you how old HE was?
Me: Right. Along with his social security number and blood type. NO. He was all like "age ain't nothin but a number." Hell, he's probably 45 girl!
Shara: So we're going?
Me: What the hell. You got notches?
Shara: It's fully charged girl.
Me: Alright then.

   We all rendezvous at the gas station. Shara and I are still in my car, Loon goes inside the store. Eddie goes inside the store. Minutes are going by and we're trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Me: Maybe they're getting more drinks or something?
Shara: Yeah. Or maybe they're getting condoms.

Eddie leaves the store with nothing in his hand. Loon leaves the store with a bag of pork rinds.

Me and Shara: They got condoms.

This post is seeming long as hell y'all! And there's still more to the story. I'll conclude it tomorrow.

Loves and Likes Ya

"Yo- You're A Christian?"

   Wooooow! I knew he was kidding because I've told him about my going to church, but it still stung a little bit. Because my days off pretty much always fall on Sunday and Monday, I spend Sunday morning at church praying about the sins I'm about to commit Sunday night and maybe Monday. SMH. It's a damn shame. Being raised in the church with strong religious values, I've always been a little conflicted. I have accepted Christ as my Savior. I know right from wrong. Where my problem lies is the fact that I'm a very sexual being. I tried praying but it doesn't work as well.

I'm pretty good about resisting temptation. How I do that is remove myself from any situation that I know will lead me to be alone with an attractive male. (J/K, Gosh- I'm not THAT horny!) but you know what kind of situations I'm talking about- late night (well, it doesn't have to be late nights) an intimate group of friends (well, it doesn't have to be that intimate) maybe a couple of drinks (well, drinks may or may not be involved) Scratch that- I have to remove myself from any situation that I know will lead me to be alone with an attractive male. Case in point- Ol' buddy with the study session.

I was doing just fine with my celibacy. I haven't had any since the day after Christmas and I wasn't sliding down any banisters so I think all was good. HOWEVER- ol' buddy woken up SOMETHING someone inside of me that hasn't been out in a while. HELLO LOLA!

With the arrival of Lola, came the beginnings of my spiritual battle. How can I be up in church, and not just up in church- but pretty INVOLVED in the church, and act like this heathen? At one point I was holding on to my virginity with an iron-clad grip that my ex hated me for. I was 19 and still figuring out my direction in life. I don't know when it was that I realized, "Uh Chelle- you're still calling yourself a virgin but you're doing everything but having vaginal intercourse. Fantastic." And another thing my ex hated me for. Needless to say- my ex didn't pop the cherry, instead it was this guy I worked with and only knew for about 2 weeks? Yeah- no idea where my head was. Again- I was 19.

I'm off subject. Lola got introduced to the ex. The ex who hated my iron-clad grip and "Don't put it in" sayings. The ex I've been hanging out with lately. Yeah. Dammit my sister was right. But not in the "relationship" capacity because I don't need that drama- remember, I still have goals to achieve- but in the stereotypical "FB" capacity that seems to haunt so many ex-relationships. I mean, it seems perfect! I have a monkey on my back that needs to get the hell off (yes that pun was intended) and he's the perfect guy. Real laid back- doesn't seem to be prone to stalker status (cuz YOU KNOW *heh heh heh*. Lemme stop chile) and we're already familar with one another so no awkward moments. And yeah- it was him that said that slick comment in the title of this post. Gotta love him though.

So I'm talking to my sister Monday during our dinner date and I ask her if she ever feel guilty about having premarital sex, especially since we seem to be getting so involved with our church and church family lately.

"What like DURING sex?"
"Not really, just like anytime. Do you ever think, 'This is wrong?'"
"I mean, it's more like a fleeting thought but it's much much MUCH later. Depends on how good he put it down. I may not be in my right mind yet!"

I felt her on that one. Because Sunday night with the ex was....DAMN. Everytime I think about it, I just shake my head and blush. Yeah- it was like that. Makes me kinda glad that I didn't go to church that morning.

Loves and Likes Ya

...and Eating Leftovers

Part II

 

And in continuation...

 

There is something almost COMFORTING about going back to an ex. Is it because we have a history? They already know about my SEVERE MOOD SWINGS personality? I already know about their habits? Or is it because of sheer laziness? I dunno, all I know is that I have a bad habit of eating my leftovers.

 

I mean, they do say that leftovers are always better the next day (something about how the sauce and seasonings get to marinate *shrugs shoulders*) Now -and pardon me if I get a bit metaphorical, just ride with me on this- let's say Nana put the smackdown on some spaghetti, made a big pot of it and you know how Nana's are "Here baby, take you some more home. Here, I got some aluminum foil in the bottom right cabinet."  So you take home your bowl. The next day you eat it- you notice how well seasoned everything is and you love it. The third day you have it- you're trying to spice it up a little bit- add some pepperjack cheese to it- idk, SOMETHING. 4th day you're sick and tired of it and you go out for Chinese. No matter what you do- it's still spaghetti

 

Going back out with you ex is like that scenario I just mentioned. And I'm telling this to you from experience- not from my ghetto pschology notebook. D and I broke up previously because of communication issues. Almost a year later, we tried at it again- much to the chagrin of some friends and most family members. So at first it was okay, smooth sailing, I was trying my best and he was trying his best. Then the insecurities came back (his, not mine) and the issues of spending time with one another came back (me basically ignoring him at times)  Then came the communication issues (he couldn't tell me what was on his mind and couldn't understand me) Then hell, I got tired of it all. No matter how I dressed it up- we're still the same ol' people before that we are now.

What brought this subject about was my sudden friendship with my other ex, Sauce. I mean, him and I have always been in contact with one another but usually it's like a text here and there. Every since New Year's, we've actually been hanging out. B-ball games, out to eat, movies or just chillin at his spot. (No hands, but I don't know how much that'll last) And my sister, upon hearing this, hit me with the side eye and "mmm hmmm" (gotta love her!) She thinks I'm looking back in the fridge for more leftovers since I'm low on pocketchange and can't go out to eat. (If that metaphor lost you, let that be read as: She thinks I'm gonna hook up with him since my current database for guys is pretty non-existent, leaving me to settle for him. Exercize that brain muscle- sheesh!) Well she doesn't have to worry about me because I'm getting my weight up and I got ALOT some possibilities!

PLACES WHERE I CAN FIND MY NEXT PIECE OF MANCANDY:

• I DO go to school. And there's something about a man getting an education that makes him sooo sexxxy.
•  
• Gas Station- At least you know he has a car
•  
• Late Night Walmart Shopping Trip. I don't know how it is where you stay, but here in Charlotte- at the Super Wal-Mart off S. Tryon- the stockers are CUTIES! I don't frown my face up at a Wal-Mart employee either. Hell, a job is a job is a job is a JOB. I'll take those benefits.
•  
• Work. While my friends were out in their freakum dresses this past weekend getting numbers, I was in a striped dress shirt with a navy blue sweater pullover and khakis. I got 3 numbers and at least 5 invitations to go up to someone's room. *Sometimes it hurts to be a girl with a conscience and SOME morals*

ANY MORE SUGGESTIONS?

Loves and Likes Ya!

The One That Got Away...

(Part I)

   So, it's Sista Sunday (the day me and my sister usually just hang out after church and whatnot) And among the many things we talk about, our my train of thoughts are sooo random, was "Eating Leftovers" and "The One That Got Away" Sounds funny right?

   What brings this topic about is...damn, what was it?...Umm, I think we were talking about her knuckleheaded ex? How she's barely paying him any attention (we'll have to see how long THAT lasts. Love my sis to death, but there's some kind of weird gravitational pull to that guy) and now he's calling and texting her all the time. She's all like- "Is this all I had to do?" and I'm all like- "Well, DUH!" and we got to talking about some of the guys we passed up in high school and how it would be to go out with them now.

   How come during high school, during the last couple o' months, I would always discover at least 2 guys that had some kind of crush on me? Never failed. E-V-E-R-Y year! I'd get that message in my yearbook "I always thought you were cute"  Well WOW! And you waited 'til the last week of school to give a sista girl a clue?! REALLY? And it always leave me to wonder- what if???? *cue dream sequence*

   After high school, I had a date with a "one that got away" He's a year older than me, tall mexican dude (hey- I don't discriminate) real laid-back personality. He first hit me up on MySpace (back when MySpace was on and POPPIN!) telling me how he still had the poems and notes I would write and wondered if we can hang out some time. Now, I knew he liked me back in high school but he never really acted on it. We went to the movies, went out to eat, went to Dave and Busters, and although those 3 outings were fun- I dunno. something was kinda missing. So I guess it's ok that he got away the first time

   On Facebook, Shawn contacted me. We hung out 8th and 9th grade. I always had an inkling that he liked me, but again- never acted on it (is it something about my character that intimidates guys? I PROMISE I hardly ever mean-mug) So- again- he's another one who kept all the notes we wrote back and forth (and WHAT IS WITH THAT? Guys are obviously just as sentimental as girls!) I do believe there's only a matter of time before he gathers the courage to ask me out.

   Another contact was made on Facebook. This one was from 11 YEARS AGO! We're talking about a guy I only knew for half of 7th grade year, when I lived in Atl and moved suddenly to Charlotte. WOOOOOOOW! I was BLOWN AWAY y'all. Because I had such a crush on this guy and it seemed like he liked me back- but this one chick was crazy obssessed with him and blocked my chances. So imagine my surprise when I get the message that starts off

"Are you the same --Chelle M------- that went to Campbell Middle School? If so, do you remember Chad C-------?"

HELL YEAH I REMEMBERED HIM! He was the same guy that almost ripped my heart out when he didn't dance with me at the school dance (thanks to my first case of cockblocking- middle finger to you wherever you are MORGAN!) The icing on the cake was he actually wrote that he considered me "the one that got away" back then. Say WHA?? So he asked me what I was doing for CIAA weekend, of course I'm working 3rd shift so I don't get to go to any of the parties. But nonetheless- we exchange numbers and we'll go out one night. Maybe Sunday or Monday.  With all the possibilities around the corner, why am I looking at "eating leftovers?" Part II coming!

Loves and Likes Ya!